Who Are You?

Ah, The Who. They're coming in April 2015. Want to see them!!

Anyways...

That brings me to today's musing. We spend most of our adolescent and early adult years figuring out not only the ways of the world but who the fuck we are. Where do we fit in? What do we want to accomplish? Who do we want to spend our time with? What do we want to spend our time doing? What's important to us? What feels right? What feels wrong? What makes us happy? What makes us sad or angry? What makes us wanna kill ourselves? What makes us feel alive? How can we do everything we want if we don't have money? How can we make money is we don't have a job? Why are we working at this job we hate?  Oh yeah...so we can do things we want to do. But when will we ever have the time?

It can be overwhelming enough to send us into an apathetic stupor. I don't know what I want so I'll be content with nothing. Trust me, I've been there. I still get in that mode sometimes. It sucks. It makes me doubt the significance of my existence and makes me wonder why I'm still here.

In order to break out of that mode, I've done things like take drugs, both prescription and recreational. The recreational ones work for a little while but typically leave me feeling a little worse than before. The prescription ones only started working once I started to become more spiritual again, something I abandoned for a time, listen to my inner voice and find my footing on the path I found myself on.

I've had days where I'll wake up and think, "How the hell did I get here?" Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not so much. I felt like I drifted through my late teens and early twenties in a daze. I guess I'm technically still in my early twenties...not for long though. 25 in December. What. The. Fuck.

I'm shocked and amazed that I'm still here. But I know it's for a reason, and it had better be a damn good one. The point is, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose. How can you know what your purpose is if you're not even entirely sure who you are though? You make a list of what you do know, that's how.

So here's what I know about myself:
-I like having "deep" conversations, about life, the universe, spirituality, music, art, and yeah, feelings. Sue me.
-I love to read, though I don't make nearly enough time to do so these days outside of self help articles and short stories for class. New goal: read a motherfucking novel ASAP.
-I'm indecisive. My head will tell me one thing and my heart will tell me another. Very seldom do they agree, but when they do, it's magical.
-I have a disgustingly high tolerance for bullshit because I always want to see the best in people, even when they prove me wrong time and time again. BUT
-I'm beginning to come around to the idea that "People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling." -Dr. Cox
-Still, we should love everyone because we're only human.
-Only human? We're the most capable beings on the planet of reasoning and yet we kill, rape and pillage each other and Mother Earth. Yep. Bastard coated bastards.
-I am at constant odds with myself. I have vices. Namely cigarettes. I crave them but they could damn well lead to diseases that will kill me.
-Everyone's gotta die somehow though. Fuck it.
-Just kidding. I need to quit eventually. Not being able to breathe or sing scares the hell out of me.
-Sometimes I have conversations with myself in the mirror a la Smeagol/Gollum. Don't judge me, you bastard!
-I am attracted to both men and women but vaginas gross me out. Sorry, ladies. I know you're all heart broken.
-If money were no object, I'd travel around Europe and South America and pick up as much of every language as possible.
-When travel got to be too much, I'd settle down somewhere mountainous, surround myself with people who aren't too bastardy and write about it all.