ULTIMATE ALIAS FAIL
Once upon a time, a young Stevi would blush at a sideways glance. There was a time later when young Stevi grew into teen Stevi and became very jaded with the world. She wrote all kinds of sad poetry, listened to music that simultaneously made her want to kill herself yet stopped her from doing just, smoked Marlboro 27's and as much hydroponic dankity dank she could get her dainty little hands on. Then she landed herself up a creek without a paddle a few times and they medicated her color away. That Stevi could not, would not blush. She had experienced so much pain and humiliation that there was nothing left to be ashamed of.
I'm not that Stevi anymore, and I'll tell you one thing. I just about died when I remembered what I changed my damn email alias to. Now, kids, when you really like a person and you try to mask your feelings for them, your honest intentions you hoped you could keep buried deep down yet wanted to shout from the rooftops since you first spoke to said person, the truth will rear its disgustingly sappy head one way or another. Why lie?
I am in love. Hopelessly. Tragically. INSANELY. It's that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff like they talk about in It Takes Two, which is an Olsen twins Parent Trap knock off (not a Stephen King novel themed reality show).
I first learned of his existence when I was fourteen. I was dancing around in a towel, freshly showered in my cousins' bedroom, all giggles about wishing I had a boyfriend, when all of a sudden the two of them looked at each other and said his name in unison. What a name.
"Who's that?"
"He's your soul mate."
"Ha ha I doubt it."
I was lying. I had actually seen his picture in an old yearbook and I remembered him immediately. My cousin had gone through her entire grade making fun of every single person and finished with, "THINK HARD, RETARD." I cracked up, but something in his face made me stop. I saw myself in him.
MSN handles were exchanged. I can only imagine what they told him. I never asked. I never asked him enough questions about himself. He was always asking about me though, and I loved it. I'd never had a guy friend, tangible or virtual, who expressed so much genuine interest in getting to know me. My inner cynic told me to keep chatting with the other boys because someone who's just like you isn't going to make you cooler or invite you to parties. Yeah, that worked out swell. He did say he would take me to my first dance though. I'm tearing up as I type this. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train always gets me for this reason. I'm switching tenses and I don't give a damn.
He became my best friend. A confidant. I come off like an extrovert because of my Gemini rising, but I'm an introvert at heart and I didn't have that air of confidence working for me back then. It was a comfort and a joy to come home from the hell that was grade school every day and log on to talk to my friend. Sometimes I would print out our conversations. One of my parents threw them all away though, said I was wasting paper.
Fast forward and we both had high school SOs, so we lost touch a little towards the end there. We'd check in from time to time though. By then the advent of Myspace had occurred and we were on the cusp of the Facebook boom. We'd both gotten dumped, or at least I had by the time our first year of college rolled around. I probed him to meet in person. He reluctantly agreed.
I stopped in Aggieland on my way back up to Mouthwestern one fateful evening. I got a speeding ticket on the way and I was still late. I think he thought I was going to stand him up. Details get hazy for me. All I remember is seeing into his eyes and him seeing into mine and thinking, "Wow." It was the most surreal moment of my life, just marveling at the truth of each other's tangible existence.
We drove my car to a parking lot amd walked to a sushi place a few blocks from his dorm. He said my car didn't smell like cigarettes even though I smoke. I said it's because I do it with the window down. Once inside the restaurant, we stared at each other unapologetically with shit eating grins. When our sushi arrived at the table, he stuck the whole wad of wasabi in his mouth, I assume to break the tension. To this day, I've never seen anyone else turn as red in the face as me. I laughed as he cried and laughed through his tears in turn.
"I thought you might've been a computer program," he said.
"Nope. I'm real!"
"You have a musical voice."
"You're tall."
Later, his roommates asked, "How do y'all know each other?"
"Internet."
Now, for reasons unknown, after all that grinning, and that warm, lingering hug upon parting, he told me he didn't want to see me again. That's when things started turning dark for me really quickly. It was never his fault. There's a part of me that still wants to know why though. My theory is that he didn't want to date me then because he knew he needed to grow up first. My theory is maybe he wanted to marry me too. Maybe he still does but doesn't want to admit it directly. Why do we feel the need to hide behind aliases? Say it to my face. One way or another. I wish you would.
For now, I'll keep with my mantra, "I grow stronger every day." I'll laugh until I cry and cry until I laugh and keep my jams turned up for my favorite folks. I take better care of myself these days, but you know you're my number one, like it or not.
I'm not that Stevi anymore, and I'll tell you one thing. I just about died when I remembered what I changed my damn email alias to. Now, kids, when you really like a person and you try to mask your feelings for them, your honest intentions you hoped you could keep buried deep down yet wanted to shout from the rooftops since you first spoke to said person, the truth will rear its disgustingly sappy head one way or another. Why lie?
I am in love. Hopelessly. Tragically. INSANELY. It's that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff like they talk about in It Takes Two, which is an Olsen twins Parent Trap knock off (not a Stephen King novel themed reality show).
I first learned of his existence when I was fourteen. I was dancing around in a towel, freshly showered in my cousins' bedroom, all giggles about wishing I had a boyfriend, when all of a sudden the two of them looked at each other and said his name in unison. What a name.
"Who's that?"
"He's your soul mate."
"Ha ha I doubt it."
I was lying. I had actually seen his picture in an old yearbook and I remembered him immediately. My cousin had gone through her entire grade making fun of every single person and finished with, "THINK HARD, RETARD." I cracked up, but something in his face made me stop. I saw myself in him.
MSN handles were exchanged. I can only imagine what they told him. I never asked. I never asked him enough questions about himself. He was always asking about me though, and I loved it. I'd never had a guy friend, tangible or virtual, who expressed so much genuine interest in getting to know me. My inner cynic told me to keep chatting with the other boys because someone who's just like you isn't going to make you cooler or invite you to parties. Yeah, that worked out swell. He did say he would take me to my first dance though. I'm tearing up as I type this. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train always gets me for this reason. I'm switching tenses and I don't give a damn.
He became my best friend. A confidant. I come off like an extrovert because of my Gemini rising, but I'm an introvert at heart and I didn't have that air of confidence working for me back then. It was a comfort and a joy to come home from the hell that was grade school every day and log on to talk to my friend. Sometimes I would print out our conversations. One of my parents threw them all away though, said I was wasting paper.
Fast forward and we both had high school SOs, so we lost touch a little towards the end there. We'd check in from time to time though. By then the advent of Myspace had occurred and we were on the cusp of the Facebook boom. We'd both gotten dumped, or at least I had by the time our first year of college rolled around. I probed him to meet in person. He reluctantly agreed.
I stopped in Aggieland on my way back up to Mouthwestern one fateful evening. I got a speeding ticket on the way and I was still late. I think he thought I was going to stand him up. Details get hazy for me. All I remember is seeing into his eyes and him seeing into mine and thinking, "Wow." It was the most surreal moment of my life, just marveling at the truth of each other's tangible existence.
We drove my car to a parking lot amd walked to a sushi place a few blocks from his dorm. He said my car didn't smell like cigarettes even though I smoke. I said it's because I do it with the window down. Once inside the restaurant, we stared at each other unapologetically with shit eating grins. When our sushi arrived at the table, he stuck the whole wad of wasabi in his mouth, I assume to break the tension. To this day, I've never seen anyone else turn as red in the face as me. I laughed as he cried and laughed through his tears in turn.
"I thought you might've been a computer program," he said.
"Nope. I'm real!"
"You have a musical voice."
"You're tall."
Later, his roommates asked, "How do y'all know each other?"
"Internet."
Now, for reasons unknown, after all that grinning, and that warm, lingering hug upon parting, he told me he didn't want to see me again. That's when things started turning dark for me really quickly. It was never his fault. There's a part of me that still wants to know why though. My theory is that he didn't want to date me then because he knew he needed to grow up first. My theory is maybe he wanted to marry me too. Maybe he still does but doesn't want to admit it directly. Why do we feel the need to hide behind aliases? Say it to my face. One way or another. I wish you would.
For now, I'll keep with my mantra, "I grow stronger every day." I'll laugh until I cry and cry until I laugh and keep my jams turned up for my favorite folks. I take better care of myself these days, but you know you're my number one, like it or not.