Life Sucks

Yeah.  That's pretty much it. I don't know why I still care at all.  I really don't.  I've list my gumption to even smoke cigarettes.  Wake me up when this shit is over.

I thought maybe just MAYBE tonight would be special.  It's a blue moon.  I think I just need to move somewhere ni one knows knows my name and start over.

I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm broken down. I spent half half my life believing a lie. I'm such a fucking idiot. If some folks didn't didn't love didn't love me I'd probably just end it all. The fear of the possibility of repeating the same goddamn thing all over again holds me back more than anything.

I'm officially done feeling. I'm an ice queen now. Frigid bitch. Fuck off, everyone! Not really. It's not your fault. I push all my friends away. 

I can't care about anyone the way they deserve and nobody else cares for me the way I need them to. Caring is Ceeepy. Yay Shins. If I felt like farting, I'd cry into a gallon of ice cream. Don't feel like being fat again though.

If I can't be loved truly by anyone but me then fuck the bad habits of the past and all the assholes who contributed to me hating myself and consequently taking it out on the few people who ever really gave a damn about me and made an effort to help me through. 

I'm sorry,   everyone.  I'm especially sorry to you,  Jim. You have every right to run away from my incessant want to talk to you. I'm just some sad girl who used to get excited to see your name on a stupid screen every night. Goodbye. I still hope you have the best life possible.  I can't hate you. It would make my life easier maybe, but it wouldn't be right.

I don't want anything from you. If there was one person in the world I could sit down and have a beer with though,  it would still be you.  I know that's insane and it is what it is.  I wish things had played out differently but I'm grateful to have known you, even if none of it was ever real.  Just like the song.

I have no shame left. I'm low on pride. I was fierce and full of fight even just a couple of hours ago and now I just want to crawl in a hole.

Sleep works wonders though. My greatest wish for myself and everyone in the world is that we all wake up with peace and a knowing that all is well and the best is yet to come.

I still have hope that this life will prove all my doubts and fears I hide wrong, banish them from my overworked mind. I'm tired of thinking,  tired of running, tired of the game.  I just want to curl up with someone who knows me and gets my humor and appreciates music and writing and the joy of driving as much as me. Somebody who trusts me and has an unspoken confidence in my abilities to be great, knows how I'm light years ahead of the pack.

I just wanted to be seen and heard. Now I don't want to have to say anything at all.