Peace and Release

When I can't sleep at night, which is often, I typically pass the time binge watching shitty television until the sun comes up and I magically become sleepy, thereby wasting half the day in bed and repeating the process. I just finished season four of True Blood. I hadn't intentionally seen a single episode until two weeks ago. That being said, when I'm not caught up in a supernatural themed pornographic soap opera, I use the time to pray.

Praying for me looks like lying in bed apparently talking to the ceiling. I live alone now and don't talk to anybody much but I've always succeeded in satisfying my need for verbal expression when there's no pressure in the form of a face looking at me as I fret about forming coherent sentences of interest.

I read in a zodiac meme about sleeping habits that Capricorns just lie there awake dreaming for five hours before squeezing in a couple hours of shut-eye. Shit is true...hi. I've been here since midnight.

In the past five hours I managed to make peace with past conflicts and worries for the future just by saying the words aloud. I even came up with a five year plan. I know that I've thrown out some hair-brained ideas here in previous posts, but this one is realistically possible and I actually want to see it through.

If you're anything like me, you may feel the overwhelming pull of the couch beckoning you to distract yourself from the fact that you can't possibly do it all today. It's okay to succumb to this lazy delight but tonight I had to cut myself off and engage in some personal real talk.

Without laying it all out there, I feel confident of my capabilities for the first time in a long time. I feel good about being single. Trying to juggle making something of myself career-wise with being in a relationship feels like ordering a filling appetizer before a four course meal I can't possibly stomach all in one sitting because I skipped lunch and hoping to God somebody else foots the bill. Lunch is college in this scenario.

If I were the man of my dreams, I would want to know me today but I wouldn't want to marry me yet. You have to be a person you respect and rely on yourself before you can trust another person to show you the same courtesy, not to mention attract a person worthy of that same esteem. I've always known that. Let's just say I'm going to start eating lunch again soon and after I serve enough actual lunches, probably do a bit of travel.

There's an overdue optimistic post for you. Even if you don't want to call it praying, try talking to your ceiling. Miracles happen. Story=moraled.