Lights Off

Nobody leaves home until we all do nothing together as an entire human populous long enough to see who still wants to argue that our "evil nature" we "can't control" will take over and we start killing each other over vegetables because people are historically fucked up and we saw it happen in multiple films involving the word "Purge."

I'll turn the lights back on when the KKKlansmen put their pointy sheet hats on and collectively march into the ocean with weighted shoes on. I trust that's in their budget.

Then we will kill anyone who tries to be the new evil head that'll obviously rise up in their place so we can rationalize not openly wanting them dead and pretending grey is our real favorite color. "Free Will" is just a Rush song (no Limbaugh)!

If you opt to go to work in defense of liking things that will cease to function if nobody "makes" money for a day, know that people could still blink after they got guillotine'd, so your hard work and Teslas won't go to waste. Honestly...? Do I hate shiny things? No. Do I hate "rich people?" Only as a concept.

No. I hate PEDOPHILES. I hate child pornographers/ watchers of it. I want them to simultaneously blow their brains out as of they all drank "the Kool-Aid." Who rapes the childs? The KKK and other fucked up people....duh?

How does anybody sleep knowing ANY OF THIS? HOW IS ANYBODY EVER THE MOST IMPORTANT EMOTION IN THE WORLD....happy? You must be a paid actor.

*a hand shoots up*

"But I thought if I just worked hard and tried to be good then I would not have to care about other people...? How do I phrase this...I'm tired. I work 9-5, worship without extremity and pay my taxes, even the sin ones, so I'm gonna go to Heaven and Jesus/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster will fix it. I like to be inclusive and tolerant while observing my faith which may be hanging by a thread and just a more dignified filter different from how I think of Santa Claus at this point. I have a Master's degree and I celebrate diversity by assuming everything will work itself out eventually if we're all as kind as possible."

*another hand*

"I'm an Atheist but I'd never dream of hurting a child or condoning racism or sexism but I tell myself this is all a dream and I'm the only one who really exists. If I kill myself, maybe I'll wake up somewhere people don't rape children and my girlfriend won't be afraid of other women. I'm tired too...can't show you my work on that one, Teach. You've read Psychology like it's your horoscope too but don't want anyone else to use your own intelligence and interests against you either, right?"

Damn.

If the entire global population refused to work--for a day--for a week--now who's worried? Who's doing what? It'll be telling. See if we can't report our own news and decide what's fake for ourselves, thanks. Not that nobody in pop culture/the media isn't a "lizard person" hellbent on making you feel stupid if not eat your soul through the screen. I have to believe that there are more for us than there are against us. Trust yourself. I'll lend you a pair of my shoes and you might understand why I've come off so crazy..

*throws one at J Hud* Please tell me you're not secretly evil.

Don't tell me it's impossible. This is not the time to latch onto something to chuckle at and poke holes in the only thing we all have the ability to do should we so choose, at least in the U.S.A...absolutely nothing. "FREE COUNTRY!" *snarf* *snort* *huh huh* "WAR!" *airquotes* *air guitar* *comic relief doesn't have to make me insincere or not angry at all whatsoever anymore so that I can sleep maybe* Sarcasm is intertwined with sincerity now. I'm trying to work with what we've got.

Well, if the constitutional rights that we are too dumb to either know or understand without a lawyer present or a degree in Political Science aren't preventing children from getting abused, then maybe we should stop trying to look good and sound smart or keep quiet to avoid ridicule and just kill the truly guilty without fear of prison or hellfire damnation?

Stop thinking your way out of the truth. Forget your smarty pants and don't rationalize yourself away from responsibility. I admire a courageous "misinformed" *cough* idiot *cough* over a quiet person with known credentials any day and that's not quite what I mean. I mean remaining silent is an admission of guilt, not a sign of intelligence, the second most important worldly concept besides beauty and as we already established, "happiness."

Do you remember how powerless you felt as a child, stuck in the bubble [psychosis] of FAMILY and the "real world" and the "net" and Netflix and try to recall what you wish you could've done to free yourself from ever needing therapy.

I wish everyone really could take things literally and "face value" wasn't so problematic. I wish I could run away to a place that really is safe. Better yet, I wish here was safe for everyone and we could all be trusted not to do something as undeniably wrong as sexualizing children, let alone bellowing at them as they cry or beating their mothers into narcissism so it's all perpetuated because people can't help it?!

Yes. Let's blame it on women. It's not all her fault. There was this snake. Who was also a woman. Satan is Hebrew for "adversary." I don't want to write the next Harry Potter or Marvel comic to make my fortune. I want to explicate in realistic terms how Stan Lee and JK Rowling had enough faith in us millenials to understand what power we have to save the world if we could only stop calling each other toxic long enough to focus our hatred on that which deserves to die forever. Then I'll be the first to hop aboard the U.S.S. PETTY as if it's friendship currency. I have a fantasy involving a party boat of my best frenemies once we've successfully ganked all the pedophiles and sex traffickers. Fuck, we can politic for real now. I'm interested in redefining classiness to denote, "One who is not a fucking child molester at the very least; TRUST."

If you're interested in knowing where the enemy was sleeping in 1964, read this article I found by googling "KKK free states" (which I should have hyphenated):

https://www.nytimes.com/1964/07/05/archives/the-imperial-wizard-explains-the-klan.html

According to this, nowhere's safe. May as well save our ship instead of jumping it or going down ourselves. I'm referring to Texas. It'd be great if I didn't have to apologize for liking anything about life or wanting success because I don't feel entirely ethical about working anywhere as it stands.  Read that article and tell me you still don't want to be your own boss. Please. We're supposed to be bigger people. You know what they say. Make it right. There is no alternative.

There was one paragraph about the Ku Klux Klan in my high school U.S. History book. One fellow student hesitantly, thoughtfully, courageously asked our teacher if the KKK is still operating. It was sort of like that moment in Harry Potter when Hermione asks McGonagall about the Chamber of Secrets and that's a sobering parallel.

She replied something to the effect that they don't march around and lynch people anymore but they indeed still quietly operate on a "smaller scale."

I remember staring at that paragraph like it was a ghost before it was discussed but at the time, I'd blocked all personal connection to the topic from my memory.

I must reiterate that I had a married-in uncle who "come to find out" was a member. It's exceedingly difficult and arguably delusional for me to believe with honest conviction that none of my other numbered extended family were a part of it. I shudder to think that I've been lied to and manipulated my entire life. What of my immediate family and the other side?

Growing up, my mother told me every horror story of rape and molestation that had happened to every other woman in my family or close to it who had ever confided in her. However, she denied me validation when I confided my own story to her when it involved my own father and uncles. She told me she loves my father's oldest brother anyway. She, along with my sister and cousin scoffed at my cousin's decision to have gender reassignment, saying, "I don't understand." Really, Mom?

You read. Then you play dumb. You told me he molested Aunt MB. She's a lesbian after being married to a man with his same name and that guy's sister looked at me gratefully during story time in the multi-purpose room for tossing my apple in the trash can before it was time. It made a thud, I was shamed and had to move my clothespin to yellow on the yardstick back in the classroom because she knew who I was...you told me that when I cried. Anyway, she's not with a man for more reasons than lack of social acceptance or just because it was a no-brainer. You think his second youngest daughter is far away and another person to the best of their ability for the hell of it?

*exhales*

I want to raise awareness about the present day existence of the KKK for anyone lucky enough to be unaware.

I found the guts to Google them a couple weeks ago.

The things the "imperial wizard" who now goes by "National Director" because they're scoffing at the FBI so no one rats, OR they're one in the same person. Either way, they aim to confuse and trap. The things that sorry excuse for life said read like deja vu hearing my parents express their disdain for people on welfare. (Like parrots?) One of my cousins has a daughter who is half black. My father made sure to quote the imperial fuckwad about her grandma, who was raising some of her grandchildren. Hindsight's 20/ kill me. One time he told me he thought I had a "void where some sort of faith in a higher power was missing" and when I learned St. Augustine said that in Philosophy and asked if he'd read him, he said he thought he'd made it up. I want my parents to be emotionally driven worry warts who are also innocent victims sipping the Hocus Pocus witches potion and not actual bigots.

He had me lobotomized for planning to run away and get married to a guy I had no recollection of when he found me wasted on a barstool one night years later. I have a visual memory yet I couldn't recall the face or name of the man I'd agreed to marry when I was twenty years old. Then again, I'm not supposed to know that.

I don't want to live in a place they have keys to. But I do. Because I have alienated myself attempting to avoid telling the truth. Because the truth sounds crazy. And I've been certified. And by all outward appearances, my parents are "good people." And often I can't deny that. I like having a car and a house. How do I phrase how this feels? It's like taking hush money. I'm the girl who hangs herself in Girl Interrupted. And I'm ashamed of myself.

My mother wouldn't let me be in a rodeo pageant when a lady discovered me at the Don'Key. I don't blame her for that. I know she was protecting me. I appreciate it. But then I was advanced enough at math to be invited to potentially earn my degree two years early through the "TAMS program" (Texas Academy for Math and Science). A speaker from University of North Texas invited us first period eighth grade geometry students. Mom wanted me to go to prom instead. Promiscuity, anyone? Do I need to further explain this trap?

I don't want a phone on their plan so they can track me, log onto the T-Mobile site and read all my messages. But I still use it. I'm using it now. Because I'm on Social Security. I have nothing to hide. So is my mother. She coerced me into it. Get on it or get kicked out with nothing. Remember when I wanted to go to Austin with your permission for posterity's sake at age 19 and you kicked me out after I did it anyway? Then you cried and asked me to come home a few days later? And that other time when you threatened to report the car stolen despite the fact you never encouraged me to buy my own, called it a gift? My cousin offered to let me move in with her in Round Rock. I got on the Social Security because I needed money to get back and forth to cosmetology school in Austin and I wasn't making enough to justify the attempt at being a webcam model in hopes of being open minded and not hateful towards men and women alike for placing the importance of orgasms over loyalty or at least honesty. My father wrote a letter to the effect that he provided for me and my condition was worse than I'd described, so they made me elect a representative payee and did not award me enough to live on. He assured me he was the only one I could trust. My mother used to warn me about people who said things like that.

I know to somebody who isn't me and knows them, this sounds like some heavy accusation. I made a misguided internet rampage that effectively proved my diagnosis to be true, but my diagnosis is not the real issue. The real issue is that I know exactly what led to it but no one will believe me. And I don't care if they do. I want to get away. I just have no idea where to go. Nobody will use their words to even attempt to validate any of my thoughts. I do care. I want to be able to love the people I should without a doubt.

When I think of leaving, I have PTSD-like anxiety that renders me incapable of effectively planning and executing my escape. Then I get scared they'll report me missing (which they did last year when I remembered certain things and needed a long drive off the map) or report the car stolen. Or worse, have me committed again. So I checked myself in for once. And the doctors didn't believe me either. Because I was already past my wit's end. Like I am now trying to explain this in a way that gets my Stockholm Syndrome across.

These uncle fucker types have affected my sense of humor in such a way that some asshole could say, "You mean stuck home syndrome?" And I might laugh but I'd continue dying on the inside. If you don't feel homicidal knowing about all the fucked up things people do in this world and get away with, today, this moment, as I desperately type this; especially well-respected people in positions of power--then you're either guilty of partaking on some level or YOU must have a psychological disorder too. Or you have the sleep number of warm beds of denial.

I would regale you with more flashbacks from my childhood, but I'll save it for the judge if it ever comes to that. I want to be like my cousin who moved far away only less findable. I want witness protection but I don't know how to get it and I'm led to believe the cops are often crooked and know it's not unusual for sick bastards to cover their tracks by assuming positions of authority. It's easy to call crazy when our TVs and books are filled with "likely stories" to "cry wolf" over and say "me too" but that's exactly why I'm insane.

"That sounds a lot like the plot of that movie 'You Must Be Off Your Meds Again'." Why don't you spend a sixth of your monthly income on a therapy session, honey? You should apply at Wal-Mart. After all, your father never got drunk when you were 16ish and refused to get out of your bed or off of on top of your body when he pulled you onto it and you're capable of anything you set your mind to. Your hair looked better before you chopped it again. Umm...NPD just gonna go save the day. *sigh* I have to take your aunt to the pain clinic again and she's out of cigarettes. Your cousin hit her again because she wouldn't give her pills. I don't know why she won't just go to the hospital... Love, Mom [insert ungodly amount of emojis here]

I put $20 in the account..
I never said that..
Here's $20.
I don't know what you're talking about..
If you were my son, I'd beat the shit out of you.
You wanna punch me in the face right now, don't you *glowering*  Love, Dad.

Those last two are real quotes.

Did they have floor length nursing robes with pointy crosses on them "back in the day?" Mom said those were grandmother's nursing robes...white...red crosses that don't look like our square medical crosses as seen on ambulances and naughty nurse costumes of today, but I guess I'm just retarded. I only got a 28 on my ACT.

Doesn't matter. The robes are gone now. There's no proof. And I forgot how to do them even though they were my favorite thing in geometry. You do the math. Test answers are usually Talahassee. (Jacked from "Kimmy Schmidt"). Can I trust YOU, Tina Fey? You're a Republican and a Protestant. *fingers crossed you're not secretly anti-Semitic*...I'm forced to read all this way too closely and I think we can all agree intentions are unclear here. I don't want a celebrity witch hunt. I just want to know anyone I've ever liked looked up to, trusted or admired for their contribution to the world wasn't really just tryimg to hide they were on the Reverend's side the whole time.

I would love for us all to be who we are without getting angry at people who are in opposing gangs. Christians call them "denominations" and the KKK claims Protestant. Jesus was a Jew but he was basically a disillusioned atheist anyway. Can we stop trying to empathize with bad guys because we're uncomfortable with having values associated with people who made us not want to sit with them, ever or comfortably just be ourselves without qualifying it with "as long as you're not an incest rapist pedophile, any one of those things or any combination thereof?"

PLEASE.

                                  ***

TIL the definition of Semitic. I thought anti-Semitic was in reference only to intolerance of Judaism.

Semitic:

relating to or denoting a family of languages that includes Hebrew, Arabic, and Aramaic and certain ancient languages such as Phoenician and Akkadian, constituting the main subgroup of the Afro-Asiatic family.

2.

relating to the peoples who speak the Semitic languages, especially Hebrew and Arabic.

I'm not extremely well-versed on "the conflict in the Middle East" but when it comes to what I've learned about Israel, the implications of that definition are problematic.

I no longer consider myself a Christian--I'm more of a mystic--I appreciate the "main religions" like I appreciate different versions of well-loved stories because they all deepen one's understanding of the others and everything else in turn, but Christians are not all bad, and I'm tired of Americans having a bad name because of the U.S.'s negative Christian connotations.

The Wailing Wall is still important and interesting to me and I'd love to safely travel there in this lifetime. Get your shit together. Peace is the goal for us all.