Cat Men (CW workshop story 2015)
“Cat Men”
Paisley couldn’t contain her laughter as she gawked at the contents of her sister’s freezer. A lifelike albeit sparkly pink dildo laid atop a carton of Bluebell mint chocolate chip.
“Seriously, Rory? The freezer?” Paisley said.
“What?” said Aurora, seizing the icy tallywacker and wagging it in Paisley’s face. “I like to keep it fresh.”
She returned it to its perch atop the ice cream and pulled out a bottle of tequila.
“Okay, let’s take a quick shot for luck. You’re going to kill it tonight, Paisley.”
“I don’t know. Last time I performed, no one laughed. Am I funny?”
“You make me laugh,” Aurora said, holding up her shot glass. “To my witty and charming little sister, may the God of comedy smile upon you tonight!”
Paisley followed suit and said, “To my lonely, hypersexual older sister, may you get a damn boyfriend so you can stop keeping Mr. Sparkles in the freezer!”
“Hey, Mr. Sparkles really knows how to treat a lady. Don’t let his lack of a brain and heart fool you. Plus, just because I’m alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.”
They headed out the door and began the six block walk to their favorite cafe. Paisley looked at the ground as she walked. She loved that her sister lived in the art district of the city, and usually she was thrilled to be there, but she couldn’t help feeling sorry for herself.
“Chin up, woman!” said Aurora. “You can’t stay mad at yourself forever.”
“I just feel so stupid,” said Paisley. “How could I ruin a perfectly good relationship over something so petty?”
“People do it every day,” said Aurora. “Look at Mom and Dad. How many orgies did they survive at Burning Man before they finally let their repressed jealousy tear them apart?”
“I don’t want to think about that.”
“We got here somehow, sis. It’s nature at work.”
“Yeah, but there are certain things that just make a person uncomfortable.”
“There’s your problem. I’m not saying you should compromise your entire moral compass or anything, but you have to get over these sexual hang ups if you ever want to make something work for longer than a few months.”
“Oh, you have room to talk. You date three people at a time and break up with them whenever Mercury goes into retrograde.”
“That may be, but I’m never dishonest about my intentions. I love people, but I don’t believe in prolonged attachment. All good things must come to an end before people get hurt. You may admire a flower, but if you pick it and take it home with you just so you can put it in a pretty vase and look at it whenever you want, it’ll die.”
“People aren’t flowers,” Paisley said. “Why can’t I just have a normal monogamous relationship?”
“People aren’t meant for that, Pais. If that’s what you really want, you’re going to have to fight like the devil to keep it going.”
They arrived at the cafe and made their way inside. There was a decent crowd for a Thursday night with quite a few acts on the list for open mic. The two sat on an old powder blue couch in the corner, sipping draft brews, and applauded for a pair of acoustic singer songwriters and a cellist.
Finally, it was Paisley’s turn. She climbed on stage, surefooted in her lucky red cowboy boots. She adjusted the mic and took a sip of beer.
“So I’ve been thinking a lot about my ‘dating career’ lately.” She did the air quotes. “And I’ve come to the realization that I always seem to fall for cat men. By ‘cat men,’” she said, miming the quotes again. “I don’t mean guys dressed up in cat suits or the Miquo’te race from Final Fantasy XIV. I mean fellas who just really love and adore their feline friends.”
She took another sip of beer. “Then it dawned on me that there has to be some kind of correlation there. You can tell a lot about a guy from the way he treats his cats. Consider this, ladies. Does he take the time to feed, water and clean up after his little pussycat? Does he entertain and play with his cat? Buy it toys? Does he pet and cuddle with it? Does he talk to his kitty friend? Tell it how much he loves it? Does he let his cat venture outside? Think about it. If he does any or all of these things, he’ll probably do the same with you. Now I’m not trying to compare women to pets here, okay? And no, that doesn’t mean these guys want to fuck their cats. Don’t be gross, people. My point is, you really can tell a man’s true character by the way he treats animals. Thank you.”
She hurried off the stage to some light applause and a whoop from Aurora.
“How’d I do?”
“You made a good point there. I’d lose the air quotes though. You looked like Dr. Evil,” she said. “Freakin lazer cats,” she said, miming the air quotes dramatically. “Ooh, don’t look now, but I think you have a fan, Pais.”
Paisley looked, of course. A guy in a blue button down was walking towards them, grinning ear to ear.
“I’m going to go grab another round. Have fun with your next cat man,” Aurora said with a wink, bouncing off towards the bar.
“I hope this isn’t too blunt, but what the fuck was that all about?” the guy said. Apparently it was an ironic grin. “John by the way,” he said, extending his hand.
“It was supposed to be comedy,” she said, shaking his hand. “Paisley.”
“Well, I don’t know if you realized this, but it was pretty offensive.”
“It wasn’t meant to be offensive. It was more of an observation about my sordid relationship history. Apparently one I should have kept inside my head,” she said with a shrug. “Maybe I should have mentioned how much I love cats too? The bond between human and pet is a beautiful thing, man.”
“I’m pretty sure no one but you thought about guys wanting to screw their cats. You’re sick,” he said, his trademark grin returning. “Seriously though, what gives? You get screwed over by a guy who loves his cat?”
“Honestly, I’m the one who messed up this last one,” she said, contemplating her empty glass.
“Fresh wound?” John said.
“Yeah. We broke up two weeks ago. See, you may or may not have noticed this, but I’m a little weird. I mean, I think in song lyrics and quotes and I’m kind of like, emotionally autistic--do you watch the IT Crowd?”
“Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?” he said with a chuckle. “That’s my shit. You know, you’re not that weird. I think in memes sometimes.”
“Like, internet memes?”
“Yeah, right now I’m getting a strong Gene Wilder with his face resting on his hand vibe. He’s saying, ‘Oh, you think you’re weird? You’re such a precious snowflake.’”
He put his right hand on her shoulder and held the side of his face in his left hand. Paisley blushed but didn’t move away.
“I hope I’m not interrupting,” Aurora said, handing Paisley another beer.
“Aurora, this is John,” said Paisley. “He found my monologue offensive.”
John nodded and extended his right hand.
“Hey, John,” Aurora said, shaking it. “Comedy is only offensive when you take it too personally, and if you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s going to feel really long and sad. Riddle me this, sir. Are you in fact a cat man?”
“I have a cat,” John said. “But I’m not calling myself a ‘cat man.’”
He did the air quotes.
“Oh, what’s your cat’s name?” said Aurora.
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
There was that grin again.
“Why would we laugh?” said Aurora.
“It’s Mr. Sparkles. He’s a Tabby.”
Aurora snorted, and Paisley choked on her beer.
“My ex girlfriend named him. I couldn’t just change his name, you know?” John said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over at the bar. It was nice to meet you two.”
He gave a little wave and a half grin as he walked away.
“That’s cute,” said Aurora, twirling a lock of hair around her finger. “You know what? I think I’m up next.”
“What are you going to do?” Paisley said.
“Something ridiculous I’m sure,” Aurora said. “But I read an article the other day about how you should never be afraid to embarrass yourself. People won’t always like what you have to say, but that shouldn’t stop you from putting yourself out there.”
“Do you think I embarrassed myself?”
“You’re as red as your boots,” she said. “And I’m not leaving until we’ve both lost our self respect. Solidarity, sis.”
The MC called Aurora to the stage. She brushed a wavy lock off her face and adjusted the mic.
“I call this Word Salad,” she said in a dramatic almost-whisper.
“Considerate literate
Sapiosexual intellectual
Psychotic neurotic
Copacetic cybernetic
Eclectic phonetic
Radical fanatical
Illustrious industrious
Compulsive convulsive
Mystical egotistical
Rambunctious presumptuous
Free-wheeling self-healing
Optimistic narcissistic
Creator narrator
Prescription cognition.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I love you all.”
She walked off the stage after taking a bow. Some hipsters on the front row snapped their approval.
“Okay,” she said to Paisley. “Now we’re even.”
“That was actually pretty cool, Rory,” Paisley said.
“It was just some bullshit free associations,” she said. “I was just goofing around.”
“Yeah,” said Paisley. “So was I.”
“Another round?” said Aurora.
“Yeah, I’ll get this one,” said Paisley.
She strolled over to the bar and sat their empty mugs on the counter. John looked up from his beer.
“She’s got style,” he said.
“Yeah, she doesn’t even have to try. She’s such a free spirit. I wish I could be more like her,” she mused.
“You okay, kid?” he said raising a brow.
“I’m just really bummed about losing my boyfriend. I feel like an idiot,” she said. “I mean he was absolutely perfect and I fucked everything up because I just don’t get it.”
“What don’t you get?”
She cleared her throat. “Porn?” she half asked, half stated.
“It’s naked people of all shapes and sizes getting down, usually on the internet. What don’t you get?”
“I get that part. But I don’t get why he needed to watch it even when we had actual sex like every day,” she said, adjusting her plastic cateye frames.
“Because he’s a guy,” John said.
“Why are all guys the same?”
“Hang on,” he said. “Yep, I’m getting a Bill Cosby vibe now. He says, ‘All guys are the same? Who told you to try them all?’”
“Very funny,” she said. “Tell him to make me some Jello.”
“Ok, serious face,” he said, furrowing his brow. “I think on the whole, most of us love our significant others and are faithful, but sometimes we just need to see some random tits.”
“Yeah,” said Paisley. “That’s basically what Aurora said. I just wish I didn’t care. It feels like cheating to me though. But Aurora says that if we choose to share our bodies with the world of our own free will, then it’s just like art there to be appreciated.”
“I like the way she thinks,” said John. “You really should calm down on that issue.”
“Yeah, I guess. Another lesson learned the hard way.”
“Why don’t you get him back?” said John.
“I don’t know,” Paisley said, looking up. “It’s just hard to reestablish healthy boundaries and expectations after that. I like needed to control him, you know?” she grimaced. “I hate being that person. Deep down I’m like Aurora. People should be able to do whatever they want. I mean we’re human for God’s sake.”
“Yup,” said John. “Quite fallible. In essence, fucked up.”
“But all the more beautiful,” said Paisley.
John raised his glass. Paisley clinked hers against his, setting a stream of foam running down the side of her mug. She knew what she wanted and she was prepared to fight for it. It wouldn’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever was. The key was acceptance.