Stevi's Storied Life

There ’s a life we lead behind closed eyes,  A place we likely leave this world from when we die But find ourselves to our surprise riding a bus up Highway 83, Somewhere outside Abilene, drifting in and out of sunlit sleep. If it feels like that scene only in dreams and movies, Where you end up in a bright white room, and even if it’s Green, it’s a good idea to pinch yourself, kick a wall,  Throw a fit! (It’s too bad you can’t fly).  Ask them to call someone else to come pick you up,  Take you home, bec...

For as much as I would like to forget, there are still so many things I don't remember. I don't remember posting half of this, for example. I've done my best to delete the profane and embarrassing. I don't remember where I left off with some of my most trusted friends. Furthermore, I'm not quite sure which, if any of them, would like to remember that for me or at all. I've tried to individually make amends with them, as inspired by AA philosophy and demanded by my conscience according to my Christian upbringing. Forgiveness is enough but the "even if.." part still fucks me up. I mean it makes me beyond sad. I am a person who needs to KNOW. It's exhausting to GET to know new people but at this point, I have to recognize these old friends as new people too, people I'm happy have progressed with their lives, yet people who no longer call me to say hello or bother to tell me anything about their lives personally. That's why I knew I ha...

I'm lonely. I'm an insomniac. We all know this. It's a bloody miracle I graduated from grade school. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleep deprived. As soon as i got the chance to "tune in turn off and drop out" I did. In the name of sleeping my days away in peace without some squirrelly little fucktard in my FYS (first year seminar) running in screaming and throwing my alarm clock down the hallway of our dorm. Jesus. Then I got back home and had to deal with my mom banging down my door, WORRIED about my lack of productivity. After that, I had to deal with nurses doing the same thing and demanding my blood at that. You can see my frustration. I'm probably doomed to join the ranks of Waffle House employees at some point in my future but you know what? That's okay with me. What's wrong with making enough to live on and just enjoying my free time as I please? Nothing really.. I just miss people I don't even know anymore. Making new frien...

Check out this new post on my original sister blog here... Film and Literature: Unfiltered: When DID Harry Meet Sally? https://artfilmandlit.blogspot.com/?m=1

*wiggles eyebrows * A post shared by legally Stevi Rae Alsdorf (@stevi_rae2008) on Jan 29, 2017 at 10:50am PST

I'm too sleep to care. Tequula. I'm naked in my sister's squeaky old bed. They let her have mine when she moved into her own house. Hey. What was wrong with my 12 year old mattress,  stupid bruise bearing furniture?

Can't say what I need to so I'm hiding under cover You love me like a sister so I love you like a brother Slap me in the face and I'll hit you with some mace I'm tired of all these pills-- please get off my case I'm out for a date but I can't relate I'll tell no one the whole story I'll tell NO ONE I'll tell NO ONE It's all there if you want to read it I won't repeat it I'll tell NO ONE I'll tell NO ONE Tell it to your mama if you want to start some drama Don't tell it to your yogi just assume that asana Tell it to a shrink it won't change what you think Tell it when you vomit in your bathroom sink Tell it to the moon and you'll land among the stars Tell it to the cars and the people in the bars Tell it to the screen like you're in a lucid dream Tell it to yourself so you'll say what you mean!

I get the feeling that people may be wondering about my alternate name on Facebook. I didn't legally change it from Stevi Rae Alsdorf to Lilith Elizabeth Gray. I adopted the name as a means of identifying with my mystical side. Lilith is portrayed in mythology as the first wife of Adam who failed in her duties, became a demon queen and in some stories, eventually the wife of God himself. She's viewed as nocturnal mostly,  a trait I share. I admire the transformative nature of her lore and always liked the name. I got Elizabeth from my paternal grandmother's middle name and Gray from my mentor, who took me under his wing and enabled me to break free from a restrictive, toxic relationship, go my own way and meet one of my best friends. The full name is representative of my true nature in tarot, the Queen of Swords. Stevi is the baddest chick on the block, according to Urban Dictionary, but Lilith sees more in her than that. I needed to create an identity that would empower...