Howzit?
Howzit (millennial chat slang for 'how is it')--how is it that I can dream of buying a plot of land and building a tiny house where I'll plant a vegetable garden and grow herbs to make my own organic meals and fancy soaps I could gift and sell--but then I can watch a film set in New York and fantasize about living there as a writer? Then, at the same time, in the real world, all signs are pointing to finally living my age old dream of being a singer in a soulful rock band with a hint of folksy twang and a dash of funky blues? What does that even sound like? I'll let you know when I figure that out.
Indecision has plagued me since I can remember. Which school should I attend? What should I major in? Which classes should I sign up for? Who should I date? What should I wear? What do I want to eat? Which route should I take? The guys from Boston told me not to worry or care about it, but they obviously pressed on and became a successful rock band.
https://youtu.be/y-epOG6aSkU <<link to their 1977 hit "Peace of Mind"
Thing is, they're not wrong, but they are lying: I understand about indecision/And I don't care if I get behind/People living in competition/All I want is to have some peace of mind
Oh, you care. Stop pretending like you don't. We all care about something. Most of us crave some sort of fulfillment in life, a sense of accomplishment, to be a success instead of wasting away wishing we'd done things differently.
Now, success is subjective--to be a success means something different, depending upon whom you ask. You saw my list of current options I'm toying with. One of them equates to me isolating myself into self-sufficiency and avoiding the issue altogether. In this dream, what I have is mine all mine, I am a naturalist, honoring my inner Native and turning my back on society and all its stresses and superficiality.
The writer in NYC thing seems like the total opposite--yes, part of me wants to pay out the ass for a tiny closet of an apartment where I'll work on my version of the great American novel and paint mediocre modern art and ride the smelly subway to my job at a local coffee shop and wear scarves and hang out at Central Park by day and maybe sing at a dingy little piano bar by night until I finally get published and move on up to the East side, as it were.
If I stay in Houston, I will start that band and freelance my marketable skills that don't interfere with my pesky moral compass, which doesn't even point due North, but I'm working on that. I will continue to blog and network with folks who share similar interests. I've done pretty well thus far. I met someone who gave me an opportunity to try my hand at writing sketch comedy--uhh hello, SNL! HAHA yeah, DARE TO DREAM, young Steve.
I often can't sleep at night because it's when all the thoughts I shun and sleep off during the day catch up with me, all these ideas about the future and decisions to make. I've learned something important recently, and it's the fact that what happened in the past no longer exists, but it led me here, and here's pretty great. Let it be. What's going to happen in the future is yet unknown and if you trouble yourself (as I do) with the unlimited possibilities and allow that to overwhelm you, you may find yourself paralyzed with fear and indecision.
All we've got is this moment right here. I'm choosing to write it out because that's how I make sense of things. The more I ramble on about this topic, the more I realize that I may not achieve all of the above, but I can and will have a heck of a good time trying. Really, that's what counts. At the end of your life, it doesn't really matter whether you ate your sandwich on white or wheat or decided to swear off gluten altogether--did you experience love? Did you laugh? Cry? Scream at the top of your lungs? Read a good book? Wreck your first car? Pull a good drunk and live to tell the tale? Did you travel? Make new friends? Reconnect with old ones? Did you help someone? Inspire someone? Encourage someone? Did you learn anything? Did you share what you learned with others?
If you can answer yes to some or all of these questions, congratulations--you've lived! I'm not saying it's okay to give up and go play in traffic now because that's the thing--it doesn't end. The world keeps spinning when we fall down and it keeps on going long after we're gone.
I want to make a mark here. I don't necessarily need fame and fortune, but I want to feel confident that I've done all I can to make it a better place. I want to help more people than I've hurt. I want to use the beautiful mind, body and spirit I've been blessed with and not squander my gifts due to confusion and uncertainty. Doubt is poison to the spirit. Believe in yourself. Know yourself. There's a difference. First you must believe, and then you will come to know. The answers you seek will be revealed, perhaps as a mental epiphany, perhaps by a stranger you meet at your favorite pretentious coffee shop, or a guy sitting on the next barstool over, a movie you catch on TV late at night, or even by a sci-fi novel an old friend recommended years ago that you happened to find on your mom's bookshelf.
The point, if you need one, is that you never know where you'll end up. That's the fun part though! All you have to do is decide what to do right this second. It doesn't have to be anything momentous. You could pick your nose, pet your dog, watch a trailer riddled with bullet holes collapse and see the guy who plays Joey on Friends wear his classic adorably confused expression while Lucy Liu runs off to fight crime and doesn't want to worry his pretty little head over it.
I'm choosing to relieve my bladder and then set about refilling it with a cup of tea.
Indecision has plagued me since I can remember. Which school should I attend? What should I major in? Which classes should I sign up for? Who should I date? What should I wear? What do I want to eat? Which route should I take? The guys from Boston told me not to worry or care about it, but they obviously pressed on and became a successful rock band.
https://youtu.be/y-epOG6aSkU <<link to their 1977 hit "Peace of Mind"
Thing is, they're not wrong, but they are lying: I understand about indecision/And I don't care if I get behind/People living in competition/All I want is to have some peace of mind
Oh, you care. Stop pretending like you don't. We all care about something. Most of us crave some sort of fulfillment in life, a sense of accomplishment, to be a success instead of wasting away wishing we'd done things differently.
Now, success is subjective--to be a success means something different, depending upon whom you ask. You saw my list of current options I'm toying with. One of them equates to me isolating myself into self-sufficiency and avoiding the issue altogether. In this dream, what I have is mine all mine, I am a naturalist, honoring my inner Native and turning my back on society and all its stresses and superficiality.
The writer in NYC thing seems like the total opposite--yes, part of me wants to pay out the ass for a tiny closet of an apartment where I'll work on my version of the great American novel and paint mediocre modern art and ride the smelly subway to my job at a local coffee shop and wear scarves and hang out at Central Park by day and maybe sing at a dingy little piano bar by night until I finally get published and move on up to the East side, as it were.
If I stay in Houston, I will start that band and freelance my marketable skills that don't interfere with my pesky moral compass, which doesn't even point due North, but I'm working on that. I will continue to blog and network with folks who share similar interests. I've done pretty well thus far. I met someone who gave me an opportunity to try my hand at writing sketch comedy--uhh hello, SNL! HAHA yeah, DARE TO DREAM, young Steve.
I often can't sleep at night because it's when all the thoughts I shun and sleep off during the day catch up with me, all these ideas about the future and decisions to make. I've learned something important recently, and it's the fact that what happened in the past no longer exists, but it led me here, and here's pretty great. Let it be. What's going to happen in the future is yet unknown and if you trouble yourself (as I do) with the unlimited possibilities and allow that to overwhelm you, you may find yourself paralyzed with fear and indecision.
All we've got is this moment right here. I'm choosing to write it out because that's how I make sense of things. The more I ramble on about this topic, the more I realize that I may not achieve all of the above, but I can and will have a heck of a good time trying. Really, that's what counts. At the end of your life, it doesn't really matter whether you ate your sandwich on white or wheat or decided to swear off gluten altogether--did you experience love? Did you laugh? Cry? Scream at the top of your lungs? Read a good book? Wreck your first car? Pull a good drunk and live to tell the tale? Did you travel? Make new friends? Reconnect with old ones? Did you help someone? Inspire someone? Encourage someone? Did you learn anything? Did you share what you learned with others?
If you can answer yes to some or all of these questions, congratulations--you've lived! I'm not saying it's okay to give up and go play in traffic now because that's the thing--it doesn't end. The world keeps spinning when we fall down and it keeps on going long after we're gone.
I want to make a mark here. I don't necessarily need fame and fortune, but I want to feel confident that I've done all I can to make it a better place. I want to help more people than I've hurt. I want to use the beautiful mind, body and spirit I've been blessed with and not squander my gifts due to confusion and uncertainty. Doubt is poison to the spirit. Believe in yourself. Know yourself. There's a difference. First you must believe, and then you will come to know. The answers you seek will be revealed, perhaps as a mental epiphany, perhaps by a stranger you meet at your favorite pretentious coffee shop, or a guy sitting on the next barstool over, a movie you catch on TV late at night, or even by a sci-fi novel an old friend recommended years ago that you happened to find on your mom's bookshelf.
The point, if you need one, is that you never know where you'll end up. That's the fun part though! All you have to do is decide what to do right this second. It doesn't have to be anything momentous. You could pick your nose, pet your dog, watch a trailer riddled with bullet holes collapse and see the guy who plays Joey on Friends wear his classic adorably confused expression while Lucy Liu runs off to fight crime and doesn't want to worry his pretty little head over it.
I'm choosing to relieve my bladder and then set about refilling it with a cup of tea.