Sincerity and Insecurity

These things go hand in hand, particularly when it comes to our tone of voice. I hate the way I sound when I'm trying to explain myself, my feelings, my opinions, especially my opinions of others. We can all tell when someone doesn't really like us but doesn't want to be mean...or can we? We're all simultaneously much better and way worse actors than we think but I acknowledge that we would mostly rather not have to put on a show to truly be seen for who we are in this roundabout circus act "shit show" we've become accustomed to thinking of life as.

I'm actually kind of a terrible writer. I have these deep thought trains that seem vital to share with others but then I get self conscious and lose the real message. I feel like preachers do that weekly, news shows do it nightly; we do it on dates and rarely feel as if we've truly been heard as a result. It takes work to set another person up to fully understand the context of your thoughts. It's endlessly frustrating.

We all want to contribute to the world and make who we are mean something. Most of us would settle for meaning something to one special someone. If that doesn't pan out, we aspire to be someone special to the world at large...then maybe that one person will see us and we'll be fulfilled and happy and every stupid thing we've said and every mistake we've made will turn into a series of antics that led us here and we can finally breathe and know it DID all happen for a reason. 

Insecurity is our biggest obstacle to making all that happen. You can't avoid your way into a healthy relationship. All too often, our lack of confidence in who we are prevents us from revealing our true nature to the people around us. If we really are all here to learn from each other til we can finally agree to stop fighting and co-create Paradise here on our planet, we need to do the work.

The work looks a little different for everyone. The most important thing I've come to know about feeling successful in putting my best foot forward, not misrepresenting myself, is to talk about everything with myself. Pray. Speak my messages. Say it aloud alone til I hear my own voice coming out. I hate it when I don't sound like me. It's okay if me happens to sound like someone else as long as I can own it with the utmost.

The other piece is focusing on quiet, nonjudgemental observation. That's meditation. This is me doing my reports. My silly blog. It's vital to my life. My phone's dying and I wanna finish my burger and charge my phone. More later.