Rambles (Because I Didn't Get it All Out Yesterday)

So yesterday was an odd day to say the least. It was one of those days where I felt like something significant was supposed to happen, something I'd been waiting for, but something I'd convinced myself would never actually happen so when I got the feeling it actually had, I didn't believe it, dismissed it as one of my delusions and ignored said event...and now I'm beating myself up over it. Why didn't I just open my eyes? Stop and really look? I'm such an idiot. 

I went to Montrose and drank far too much coffee and then went to see Daniel and ramble to him about this thing I missed yet again. He said it was the most manic he'd seen me in a long time. I'm sure the coffee didn't help. But I left feeling even more confused. 

Then I went to see my lady doctor, and I'll spare you the details on that...but I left even more confused if that's even possible. 

Then I went to class and had to walk out and sob in the hallway. So when I went back in, a nice girl in my class noticed I'd been crying and invited me out for a beer after class. I needed that. It leveled out my caffeine shakes and general anxiety/feelings of discomfort/ confusion, at least for a little while. That's the problem with alcohol. It temporarily helps you forget your stresses but when you wake up, theeeeeey're baaaaaaaackkk. 

So today I've been so distracted that I just remembered to eat something. I've smoked almost a whole pack though. Healthy. Yay. 

Y'all, I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind again. I don't know what's real anymore. Except for God. And Jesus. And the way I feel. And I don't think it's ever going to change, try as I might. I can't get over this idea. You have to be careful what you tell people, so I'm not telling anyone what this idea exactly entails. Don't worry, it's nothing illegal or morally corrupt. It's just this ongoing preoccupation with a certain feeling I used to get every night...the feeling that all is right with the world. The feeling of really being seen and heard. But I could never return the fucking favor. And that's why I failed. And that's why I'm doomed to live this life of confusion and regret. I'm going to spare you more negative self talk because I know that doesn't help. 

Things will work out the way they will...it is what it is. .Radical acceptance and all that shit. I don't want to sit around and philosophize about life, the way I think it should be anymore. I just wanna do the damn thing. Trust that if I get another chance, I'll make it right. In the mean time, I'm going to listen to India Arie and just do me. More than anything, I want to be confident and independent. A real woman. Not this scared, confused little girl I'm reduced to at times like these. She'll never make it on her own, but the woman I'm destined to become will. She'll shine bright. And when the time is at hand, she'll be ready. 

Pray for me and give me hugs. That's all I can ask.