Stevi's Storied Life

 But Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home." -Matthew 13:57 The night of the fourth of July, or the wee hours of the morning of the fifth, rather, I found myself suffering a bout of insomnia coupled with an urge to drive. Naturally, I had no idea as to my destination, but I hopped in my car and took the highway.  As if on autopilot, I found myself in the parking lot of the church where I grew up in Pasadena. Sunset United Methodist looked the same as it ever did in the dawn's soft glow. I waited until I saw a man arrive and waved hello.  He invited me into the Sunday school classroom for some coffee. The mural on the wall featuring a battle between angels and demons, some carrying folks up to heaven, others dragging people down into the fiery pit still made me feel just as unsettled as it had when I was a child and I'd go into the room with my grandmother for a cookie and some juice while she he...

I'm an outspoken individual (obviously). I haven't always been this way. I was painfully shy growing up, especially amongst my peers. I stood out as the quiet one or the smart one or the weird one who was bad at making friends. Unless I knew you well and felt at ease around you, chances are, you didn't know me very well or at all. I was picked on for my propensity for being a sort of know-it-all-glasses-wearing-braces-having-teacher's-pet-goodie-two-shoes type. You know the drill. My social anxiety propelled me into the world of reading and writing, of getting lost in whatever film or game I was obsessed with at the moment, of absorbing the goings-on around me when I didn't have a mode of escape or had to appear to be paying attention. In essence, I had to develop a personality, as we all do, as well as a thicker skin and a rather dark sense of humor as a coping mechanism. This story is true for many, if not all comedians. Everybody is capable of making it throu...

Howzit (millennial chat slang for 'how is it')--how is it that I can dream of buying a plot of land and building a tiny house where I'll plant a vegetable garden and grow herbs to make my own organic meals and fancy soaps I could gift and sell--but then I can watch a film set in New York and fantasize about living there as a writer? Then, at the same time, in the real world, all signs are pointing to finally living my age old dream of being a singer in a soulful rock band with a hint of folksy twang and a dash of funky blues? What does that even sound like? I'll let you know when I figure that out. Indecision has plagued me since I can remember. Which school should I attend? What should I major in? Which classes should I sign up for? Who should I date? What should I wear? What do I want to eat? Which route should I take? The guys from Boston told me not to worry or care about it, but they obviously pressed on and became a successful rock band. https://youtu.be/y-epOG...

My Earth Shoes keep me grounded. I used to think them ugly, but no-- They're simple, rounded, unfettered Light brown leather stitched to Soft, supportive soles, which offer Comfort for my arches and callused Heels and balls, Grecian monkey toes. The second one is longer than the Big one. They say that means I am Domineering, as does my day of birth. I suppose the stars have in mind a Leadership role, but I do not yet know Where it is I should next roam. Shall I bloom where I'm planted or Follow where the wind blows? I am Earth. I appear to be Air-- I have a fiery wit but the Water Calms my spirit, sometimes into Complacency. In my Earth Shoes, I feel at home Here at a table in a cafe, not far from My address. I feel no whims to take Flights of fancy, go downtown, or the Airport to hop a flight to where? Who knows. I don't have enough money anyway. I have three dollars and some coins I'm Consciously collecting because of the Year. I found ...

Lately, my mantra has been "stop saying words." After all, they're just symbols we use to communicate these unseen conceptual idea type thingies that someone else has probably already come up with better words for, or done it in such a way that makes more sense, takes less time to absorb, less effort even. They usually end up getting us in trouble, especially when we say too many or not enough, or the wrong ones, or even the right ones in the wrong way. I've been reading the Tao. According to the Tao, we should not always be talking. This is Sage wisdom, y'all. For true. We need to listen to others. If we don't, what's the point in this entire thing we call the world and all the other folks in it? If you think you already know everything, go ahead and do us all a favor and leave so the rest of us can pay attention. Or you know, maybe help us out, if you're so wise. I'm guilty of not listening. Oh so guilty. I'm not hating because we all go ...

I promise a heartfelt story of fishing next time...plus thoughts on The Old Man and the Sea...but for now, this is all I got. https://plus.google.com/+SteviAlsdorf/posts/epe8TERrXa3

https://plus.google.com/+SteviAlsdorf/posts/GWQ96RHCFCF https://plus.google.com/+SteviAlsdorf/posts/UVupENoNWEj It's a 2 parter because I had to pee.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/+SteviAlsdorf/videos?pid=6180659719213819186&oid=111863865068159610676

It's amazing what a good sleep will do for your outlook. You fall asleep miserable and wake up, forgetting why exactly, because the sun's shining, the tunes are swimming through your stock speakers, and you're flying down the highway, full faith in the four dollars' worth of fumes you fed your whip you affectionately refer to as Wanda (the Honda) because you know she's got another thirty miles left in her once that light comes on. She's basically your home and your best friend for all intents and purposes because she asks you no questions and tells you no lies. She loves it when you pump up the jams full blast, windows down, shamelessly fist pumping and signing out the sunroof to pop songs, directing the symphony of the road with your left hand, your cigarette a burning baton. You fancy yourself the director of this symphony you call your life. Your life's been good to you, but you've seen more than your fair share of the shit times. Still, when you...

Yeah.  That's pretty much it. I don't know why I still care at all.  I really don't.  I've list my gumption to even smoke cigarettes.  Wake me up when this shit is over. I thought maybe just MAYBE tonight would be special.  It's a blue moon.  I think I just need to move somewhere ni one knows knows my name and start over. I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm broken down. I spent half half my life believing a lie. I'm such a fucking idiot. If some folks didn't didn't love didn't love me I'd probably just end it all. The fear of the possibility of repeating the same goddamn thing all over again holds me back more than anything. I'm officially done feeling. I'm an ice queen now. Frigid bitch. Fuck off, everyone! Not really. It's not your fault. I push all my friends away.  I can't care about anyone the way they deserve and nobody else cares for me the way I need them to. Caring is Ceeepy. Yay Shins. If I felt like farting, I'...

The best ideas are stolen and improved upon.  I won't claim that my understanding of the universe is better than Einstein's or yours,  whatever you may subscribe to, if you even care to conceptualize what is. I'm more of a philosopher than a physicist, so that being said, my take on this equation will not necessarily make sense in a scientific or mathematical way. Everything is connected. People forget that.  There are three universal languages in this world and none are spoken.  Music,  math,  and art, and they're really all one in the same. How can numbers be art,  you ask? Or music? For one thing,  they're beautiful solely for the fact that they cannot lie,  unless they're being used as a statistic. Still,  it's the person manipulating them who's the liar.  Steve Goodman once said,  "Sixty-five percent of statistics are made up on the spot." Apparently one in eight people has HIV and doesn't know it.  AIDS is a ...

I've decided that I'm the female version of Dean from Supernatural due to my affinity for bars and diners meets Archer because of my endearing-to-some, unapologetically narcissistic mask I wear to hide the fact that I actually have feelings sometimes. Don't catch the feels. They'll eat you alive if you don't know yourself well enough to maintain. Actually,  I just want to bang the live action ideal of Archer. The juke here at this legit 50s style Denny's sings, "When you're happy like a fool/ Let it take you over...You gotta take it in/ This is gonna be a good life." These days my favorite music is shamelessly happy pop. I've listened to enough depressingly wrist-slash-worthy music during my life. Of course,  I am far too vain to ever sever them,  but it was always a pleasure to burn.  I'm through burning for anything else. I've made it through the proverbial wilderness.  Mmm Maroon 5. He was so high he did not recognize. Oh. He did....

MC can stand for many things. I thought it was just another term for DJ. Turns out it's also main character or motorcycle club or even mouse club,  depending who you ask.  Ever seen the Mouse and the Motorcycle?  Fun for the whole family,  y'all.  Pardon my fragmented sentences. It's Mexican Monday. Speaking of Mexicans, I sell motorcycles now. Just waiting for that first check yo come in.  Sales suits me. You know what Rush says: The Spirit of the radio...echoes with the sound of SALESMEN! If you don't know,  now you know.  I enjoy the challenge of taking something that's been a lifelong interest that I previously knew shit nothing about and turning it into something lucrative.  Sometimes the best opportunities for change and ultimately success come when you least expect them.  I am blessed. Today didn't begin the greatest, but once I let go of an old preoccupation with an idea, hopeless dream, not even almost lover,  I had a go...

RE: ALWAYS The radio swears up and down that someone cares. I spoke with you, months ago now-- I thought... That was my first mistake. It's not the end of the world if you don't want to know me anymore, But it is the end of an Era in my heart, My sweetest dream. Why hold onto hopes that will never become reality? My inner eternal optimist says, "Stop being negative." The rational asshole says, "Fuck that.  You're bring real. He doesn't give a damn.  Move on." But...we spoke about the future-- We're supposed to meet at a park. Was it all a dream? Scam? I'm done with the head games. I made it all up. It never happened. He wasn't you,  but he said he COULD be. Wild goose chases led me back to the Cuckoo's nest. I'm not crazy. I'm just confused. Unecessarily. I hear them talk about "us," Misinterpreted gab about nobody. Ha! You've made it clear as possible without blatantly telling me to fuck off...

Airplanes soar high Above me I want to fly away With you Or drive somewhere We've never been Before Let's go to Cali Pull a Katy Perry Kitty Purry I want it so bad Come here Give it to me, baby I'm fiendin' Still feels like I'm Dreaming I wouldn't have it Any other way You know I'm addicted To you That beautiful Mind-- Be my Belated Valentine.

The freaks come out at night In the psych ward, y'all Unit 3 be teemin' wit dem demons How they love to yell and cry Tranq me to sleep, but I can't Break free from this nightmare Sweet dreams scared away by The bellows down the hall I want to be free, so I comply I smile at them all, and I miss the starry sky and A boy, no man, who will hold Me tight, come into me, Souls alight, all arms, Legs, torsos matched in a Perfect cradle, either side, Sweet lips to graze every inch Of our skin, lick where I need It, mmmmm, want to do it again? I miss you. I was wrong, didn't Know--you're the one I need-- It was you all along, now PLEASE, be my sweet reality.

They be on my ass Like flies on shit Not just any dame I am THE fuckin' shit Fuck with me or my fam Your ass gon' get hit Best respect My genius or I'll sick My madness On your mind Don't insult My intelligence and Leave the past behind This moment right here Is all we got Right here Right now Eternal Truth Everything Nothing This This is your dream When I sleep You'll wake in mine I see you all the time I remember Verse A beautiful Rhyme You need reason Tis the season God smiles on you From above Come out and play, Love Greet the day I'll protect You at night Until we once again Live in the light I got a Master's In Life Working on my Dissertation Call me Dr. Who What? When? Where? Why? I'm taking over Your station Still got love For that FM dial Y'all know how I do This is my TRUTH If I reveal my feels It may be a lie But I cross my heart Hope to die If I tell you what I KNOW That shit...

Once upon a time, a young Stevi would blush at a sideways glance. There was a time later when young Stevi grew into teen Stevi and became very jaded with the world. She wrote all kinds of sad poetry, listened to music that simultaneously made her want to kill herself yet stopped her from doing just, smoked Marlboro 27's and as much hydroponic dankity dank she could get her dainty little hands on. Then she landed herself up a creek without a paddle a few times and they medicated her color away. That Stevi could not, would not blush. She had experienced so much pain and humiliation that there was nothing left to be ashamed of. I'm not that Stevi anymore, and I'll tell you one thing. I just about died when I remembered what I changed my damn email alias to. Now, kids, when you really like a person and you try to mask your feelings for them, your honest intentions you hoped you could keep buried deep down yet wanted to shout from the rooftops since you first spoke to said per...

My headphones caress my ears With sweet symphonies All day long, morning til night Til morning again If I fall asleep I'm afraid You'll go away Vanish like a ghost Casper met Wendy Like you once met me Why not again? I'm losing hope That's a lie and you know Why do you torture me so? To bring out my inner Shakespeare Where everyone dies? Fuck Austen. And marriage-- Right? Correct? Am I speaking your language yet? I don't even have to try You know I make shit happen I get what I want Spoiled brat Deprived of her pudding I eat my meat... When I want to. I can be a good woman But the bad girl dwells inside Why must you run and hide? You're the wind... Sweet Zephyr beneath My wings, sails, sweet words Grow stale. Like love, want, need, Faith, hope, love...and I come full circle. Always back to love. But we agreed. Fuck always. Fuck never. FUCK THE HATERS! You're my Mad Max. Guess I'm just chillin out Maxin' up to...

Teacher says Adam was asleep when Eve showed up The woman knows before the man opens his eyes and sees her, His lovely companion created by Spirit and his own dreams, Here to love freely and dwell in a paradise garden... But how long can we let it be perfect? How long before we thirst for more and fall from grace? We chose knowledge,  the ever elusive idea of truth, We pay the price for our pride with Pain, separation,  shame, death. When what we thought we knew ceases to mean shit, What do we have left? What have we done to this world? Loathe the monsters our hunger brought to fruition, Both within and without And everywhere in between. Have mercy. I'm weary. Let's go back to sleep. When we wake, we'll know It was all a bad dream.

I'm coming out of the closet about discontinuing the use of psychiatric drugs. I've been on some form of medication for the past six or seven years, and it's been a wild ride that I've wanted to jump off since the beginning. I haven't taken them since December 4. Initially, it was really difficult. Withdrawals are a bitch. I'd wake up feeling hungover even though I made a point of abstaining from alcohol, but I'd might as well have snorted an eight ball and downed a bottle of gin if I wanted to wake up feeling that way. After a couple of weeks, said withdrawals began to subside and after a month, they went away completely. That's about how long it takes to get it all out of your system. I let a few trusted friends, as well as my therapist, in on my undertaking and I was met with plenty of support as well as warnings to be careful. I've heard all kinds of horror stories. Shit, I've lived them. This isn't my first rodeo, so to speak. But this...

You guys. I have a plan. I'll tell you how I happened upon it, but don't judge me too harshly. On Thursday night I journeyed out to the River Oaks theater to see Blade Runner at midnight. I had absolutely zero context for what was going on. My friend had been imploring me to read Philip K. Dick's novel the movie is based on (although I was totally unaware of that fact) UNTIL after the movie, when I couldn't help but ask some nice looking folks likewise engaged in a post-film cigarette, about the significance of the unicorn. Said folks ended up inviting me over for beer and I now fully appreciate the phrase "When in Rome," which the lovely lady oh so appropriately played on vinyl the next morning. Anyway, the plan...so the gentleman told me of his adventures as an English teacher in Korea. All you need is a Bachelor's degree of some sort and a year of your life to spend somewhere else. After that, you are free to take the money and run, at which point y...

2014 was pretty good to me. I learned a lot about what I want out of life, and above all, I've learned to trust my intuition when I know it's time for a change. I lived with another person whom I cared about a great deal but when it comes down to it, I experienced what is known as a karmic relationship, one I needed to go through in order to learn important life lessons. One thing I know for sure is that there is no room in my life for jealousy. It's a wasted emotion that leads to mistrust, isolation and discontent. In a healthy relationship, both parties should ideally be able to maintain their own autonomy and circle of friends, regardless of gender or past associations. It is controlling, selfish and unreasonable to ask your partner to sever ties with people they care about. End of story. We're all here to connect with one another and help each other grow, whatever that looks like. On a deeper level, I've discovered my own divine nature and have resolved to k...