Stevi's Storied Life

    When I actively watch porn, I feel as if I’ve been staring at my own dump for too long. There’s something almost beautiful about it but then I take a whiff and acknowledge the fact that I’m literally admiring feces. Google reveals images I’d like to wash my brain out with soap over. Why are the women all so shrill, the fetishes incest and otherwise perverted, disgusting, and immoral in disturbingly unhot ways? Why are people engaging in creating this shit? Seriously, I want to know. That’s not why I decided to masturbate on camera for money, essentially becoming a virtual prostitute. It’s what I learned by thinking it would be a fun and exciting new way to make money for myself and get over my own alleged and self-acknowledged hang-ups. I had already recorded videos of myself cumming solo to avoid the dreaded internet search and enjoyed getting off on my own smut. Why not share it with others who might be tired of the same old gar...

LOVE ME! Yikes...I'm not a real DJ and apparently that's not always a surefire good thing ANYWAY . I just liked Pirate Radio & I listen to the radio itself whether I like it or not until I remember I have CDs. My ride hasn't a conventional audio input jack. It requires the sort of cord with both red and white connector heads. Haha! You mean connector thingies? Yup. Likely more accurate. Anyways tha t's just my YouTube mix, which is highly indicative *of who I am* as a person, ok? I was going to say something else. I was told by a doctor three years ago that I may have thyroid cancer. I went my v. of Heisenberg. I still need to make a radiology appointment. There's more...I haven't quit smoking 🚬 I'm a fool. I really forgot what I was going to say. Pray for me.

It's no secret that we all end up feeling disillusioned by love at some point in our lives, at many points during our lives. This happens inevitably. We all get hurt. Suck it up. "Life's tough--get a helmet!" Messy bun/ rap song/ DEAL WITH IT. (Bitch you better work). Yada yada. *flips bird* I think this disillusionment for me, personally, romantically speaking at least, comes from a thing the Scientologists refer to as 'childhood trauma.' I took their personality test one day while bumming around Austin; they drew me a chart. Ok...so that's another thing most of us have in common--trauma. We can't all be Bubble Boy. So I have trust and abandonment issues. So I absolutely suck to be with. Great. Better break out the lily binder I got from rehab, work on my dialectical and cognitive behavior skills because emotional retardation doesn't foster compatibility with shit anyone! Not even Tom Cruise. Not even Ron Paul. Maybe THAT'S my devil's ...

You can stop picturing the devout bumping cleanlies on a pile of robes now. I hate human nature when it comes to sex. I hate it because it sets us up for further ruin in a world that will not allow us the freedom to bask in the true pleasure of it as it was intended for us. When we're having sex the rest of the busy, demanding world slips away until one of us remembers. This awareness that we are not all there is is usually signaled by an utterance containing the word "cum" because once it clicks that we've been doing a thing for too long without some almost material reward, we don't see the point in continuing. "You're still horny? Well my dick is soft. Where's the lube? Oh well. Work in the morning. I'll just jack off on the toilet before you wake up." WOW... I love sex. Sure I do. My first few times were pretty messed up but it didn't really feel ruined for me until I started having it on purpose/ on the regular. That's when ...

What are you pushing that button for ? And for WHAT?! https://youtu.be/xsksWR8uTDQ Watch this clip from Lost and focus on the now & what you learned about democratic philosophy in school.  I'd tell you what to think but wouldn't that defeat the purpose of this exercise? All I'm going to say is that this is exactly why I've been leery of holding a job for TOO LONG before finishing school and KNOWING what I'm doing/ doing it on purpose because I want to and it makes sense in accordance with my experiences in the workplace, school and the world at large. Push the buttons you need to to bring home the bacon but don't get so narrow mindedthat you forget what's outside .

👽 -Drinking "monkey's blood" as a toddler -Holding up an entire chest-of-drawers plus TV set when I locked myself in my parents bedroom and pulled out a drawer & the whole thing was going to crush me--I held it all up until my mom hot the door unlocked. -Getting stung by a yellowjacket at age 10 -Being shocked by an electric horse fence at 14 or so -Shigella at 15--it's like the scene in the Santa Clarita diet where DB is barfing everywhere only it's coming out both ends...mostly the rear end. -Various near death traumatic experiences like almost drowning in the ocean, car crashes, knowing too many dark things. Forgive my give-it-all-away title but I just watched the first two Harry Potter movies with my cuzzins and this type of stuff is the stuff that makes and breaks us. These things bring out the magic in us. Like in Deadpool, how the evil doctor uses torture to mutate people. I should add: -Spending over a day in jail -Psychiatric comm...

I hate when people have this attitude like, " I had to walk to school fifteen miles uphill both ways through the snow so YOU should suffer too!" By 'people' I mean over fifty somethings, the gen-Xers and the baby boomers mostly. This is where we see most of this problem occurring and forget analyzing why or psychoanalyzing your Uncle Terry for a second. I've had the unfortunate task of navigating relations with too many aunts and uncles from this decade of bigoted butthurt broke down and thus exponentially more self righteous goons we've got on our hands. In case you're wondering, I'm not telling you because they'll waste more time and spout off negative vibes trying to go there just because it's unfair and they need to demand their rightful discount they lived five or six long decades and some change to deserve. Gen Y has its own issues but I admire them for keeping them under wraps--their ability to adjust and accept all their crotchety pi...

Outside of violating the 10 commandments (which often need to be violated especially in the case of honoring the mother and father because a lot of people have exceedingly unreliable and/or abusive parents)... Children are constantly abused. Yelled at, put down for not knowing better, spanked, beaten and through all the tears when you're the little one there's really little to no difference how that abuse is internalized/experienced depending on the form of the abuse itself. It rears its ugly head in our romantic relationships, friendships, work lives, school lives, sex lives...and how we utilize sex as "therapy" for as little as we understand it. We take it upon ourselves to engage in behaviors we normally wouldn't hoping it'll help us get over something we had no control over. We have sex with other women to get over our want for a man who just isn't there, we have threesomes to prove we're not the jealous type or a closeted lesbian; we do drugs t...

-How small the world is -How alone you can feel in spite of and sometimes exactly because of that -My need for approval Duh. Well adjusted people don't try this hard. I can't get over the fact that I'm on disability for a mental disorder I may not even really have. The reason I want to study psychology is to help others like me through a system they were likely thrown into against their will and best wishes for themselves. I figured I'd end up in a place like that someday. I knew as a teenager who had cried way too much for seemingly no reason or over little things I should've brushed off. I was picked on hard as a kid. I don't mean the other kids were shitty to me, like really nasty, but I was always singled out for something or other. I was advanced but not quite advanced enough for the gifted and talented program, which made me feel bad because I felt left out of their meetings even though I was grouped with all of them. I had to watch them go off like...

This is Theo name short for the masculinized version of Magrathea. I took hwy 42 North. It was dope af. *brushes shoulders off* He lived outside a taco shop where he ate dumpster tacos I guess. If he's your pet I'm sorry. I was trying to get to Roswell, my place of conception. I'm the age my parents were when my mom got knocked up with me...actually should try again next year to be mathematically correct. Anyhow, *aliens* and besides THAT...just a whole lotta broken ol rusty gas stations!

My last needs to be said because I feel like I'm sitting on a throne of lies and general hypocrisy at this point when it comes to my past (leaving out the sordid mental health drama and leaning on the reality of things before all that happened). Jim was my friend on the internet. We chatted every day after school on msn messenger. We traded essays to edit. He writes too. We had a mutual intellectual regard for one another and I think it was mutually puppy love fondness too, at least until my mom insisted I leave my pizza and Degrassi to open the door for my sister's best friend's older brother, Ben. "He's cite, you should go after him," shed said. Truth be told, I'd seen him every day in my history class and I hadn't said a word to him til that night when he shook my hand, looking a thousand times cuter all of a sudden in the doorway. Jim apparently drove to Cypress and found himself a girlfriend named Kristin, who was as pretty as Ben. I couldn'...

This interview I had to say was the best I've ever had. On my way home on 45 S, I saw an upside-down sedan and a mob of flashing lights. There appeared to be no one left in the vehicle from what I could see as my side of the median all hit the brakes hard to avoid mutually assured rear endage. It made me wonder how often we actually get the chills anymore. It was too hot for me today. I was too high from the hope of success to feel true fear or real pity. I usually shiver and think of my mother saying, "God bless those poor people." The way the car looked they must have been suicidal, I thought instead. Or they got hit by a big truck who'd already bounced from the scene. I never took physics. I think we feel collectively guilty for all our reckless driving antics throughout our years and also angry that we can't individually keep it together enough for something as seemingly simple as highway driving to go smoothly for all involved. But I couldn't help thi...

They used to sing the chorus of this song at me because the vice principal called me "Steh-vee" on the announcements for honor roll and it rhymes with "levee".. I have since listened to it closely & far away and I know it by heart and I've sung it with my philosophy professor in front of the whole class because he'd asked if anyone knew it by heart and I did because I am that dork. No. YOU a dork. #pullyapanniesup https://youtu.be/7yHTpGog0IY The song is American Pie by Don McLean. The comments reveal the poster of this particular video used a picture of Dylan from the Jester album because of his motorcycle accident he was on the sidelines in a cast. A comment we also says the King=Elvis where Dylan is the Jester. Cool beans y'all.  Anyways this kid dltd  my comment where I explicated "While Lenin read a book on Marx/The quartet practiced in The park" as an allusion to the four horsemen of the apocalypse in reference to the Cold War. ...

It looks better at night.

& here's a list of drugs I've taken since I can remember my first beer at age 11 in this order: -alcohol -nicotine (shisha, cigs, etc.) -morphine (in hospital for Shigella) -codeine syrup (HC tussive) [Pink Floyd's the wall is scary af] -marijuana (flower, oil w/e) -pristiq -lexapro -vicodin -adderall -xanax -ecstasy tablets -fake bake -cocaine -bath salts -lithium -clonopin -ambien -Molly (mdma) -shrooms -morning glory seeds -xyprexa -haldol -depakote -trileptal -risperidone -stupid vapes -LSD -provigil -weird gas station amphetamines -trazedone -abilify -latuda (too expensive but ideal) -attivan (wish I could get it prescribed ya "lortab" poppers) -that's what weed is for -also just beer now or the occasional drink mostly -and still cigarettes -also "meth-in-a-can" drinks like Monster So yeah... I do what I have to do to stay woke when I need to be and sleep when I should. That's about it. I'm not...

Marriage is kind of the end-all-be-all for me. Yes, I have professional ambitions but at the end of my life I'd just like to know I lived it on purpose with the same one I said "I do" to x number of years ago. I want to be the mother I think children deserve--protective but not foreboding; encouraging and always there. I want to be the wife a man loves forever without a doubt. I need people to take care of but first a man needs to see how much I already care for myself and recognizes the lengths I've gone to as well as be here while I'm finishing school, KNOWING I will succeed. I'm going to be twenty nine in December and I think that's a good age to finish school. I'm ready and it's finally the only thing that makes sense. I'm going to be a Psychology major. I've applied to UHD and I'm also reapplying at Southwestern. "We'll see" isn't good enough anymore. I don't fuck with maybes. It's on. I'm doing thi...

Really? We're using phrases like these already? No thank you. You're gorgeous and financially stable so I assume every bitch wants to jump your bones and why pick me, a nice-enough looking technically disabled person for your significant other? Why would anyone in your shoes? I don't want to sit here and listen to another person put me down for my situation. My situation is the result of trauma I needed to sort out before I could choose a major and graduate, not to mention become the perfect woman in the process because fuck if I'm not allowed to take my sweet ass time. It's my life. I kick myself enough as it is for not being there yet and I don't need another soul to boss me into doing anything but what I know I need to do and poking holes in what I WANT to do with my life, mocking me for "my 'plans'" saying you don't care when you just told me you loved me while you were INSIDE OF ME. Goddamn it Russel Brand. I'm a fool. I'...

https://youtu.be/IjzXO4ixrsE The worst thing you can do to someone is let them think that you're their only one when you're feeling like you need to be overly affectionate in the physical sense with others besides yours truly. I love my friends and fam dearly but I limit it to admiration and sentimentality. #lilithinscorpio

https://youtu.be/Mb2KcgbkepY "We can't go on together with suspicious minds" -The King I have trust issues. I think most of us do. I have the hardest time believing any man could ever be fully loyal (by my standards to me) while remaining tranaparently honest with both me and himself. Today isn't the issue. I won't blame technology and the ease of use of x-rated images and videos online. That's not cheating...unless it's live and on a one-on-one basis--I'm talking camgirls. If you're paying her, kindly go fuck yourself without me in your life. I've been a cam girl and I may reprise my old post I took down about my experience there after this brief message but my attitude has changed slightly on that front since I wrote about it two years ago. Anyway, I'd like to provide y'all with a list of things that are not penetrative sex that I still consider cheating (you know, for all you rationalizers and loophole liars). It goes like this...

It's ridiculous what I go through trying to add images to posts.

Look...I'm not sure exactly who this is for so I guess its just for me So I'm going to tell you the truth because I can't stop worrying About all the stress of being monogamous with a beautiful man Who says he loves me but then again how could he when I can't trust him fully When I start asking you the setup for the glaring omissions, real or imagined How would you ever be happy with me for the rest of your life? Why would you make me your wife if I can't just take you at your word Without leaning over a ledge of doubt and hanging darkly on every unheard syllable? All but hoping with a belly full of woe that I'm right not just crazy But even though I know that it's definitely the latter, Please keep asking me what is the matter til I tell off my fear on you And hold me til it gets too much and I'll let you go willingly when I need to Even though my inner child wants to clutch your chest and never, ever let go; Because the world is an eventfu...

Professor mimes swimming, explaining this week’s assignment Opera sounds through the wall and all I can think about is the Past, how I used to raise my voice in dramatic song, give that Pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato. Now breathy air invades the Space between the waves, the notes slip out of tune, they sound Kind of blue like a scratchy old vinyl record spinning somberly at Thirty-three rotations per minute. Spins as life does, in circles and Cycles, doomed to repeat until the DJ has mercy and graces your Ears with the next movement. All I ask is that He plays something Danceable, something fun, something that breathes life into this Tired body, this weary spirit who longs to crack this hardened shell Around her heart, swim like a fish through shadows deep, salty Ocean hurting wounds to heal, back into the light. But alas, the Light only touches the surface and that’s not where I wish to dwell.