Expectations and Maturation

It's no secret that we all end up feeling disillusioned by love at some point in our lives, at many points during our lives. This happens inevitably. We all get hurt. Suck it up. "Life's tough--get a helmet!" Messy bun/ rap song/ DEAL WITH IT. (Bitch you better work). Yada yada. *flips bird*

I think this disillusionment for me, personally, romantically speaking at least, comes from a thing the Scientologists refer to as 'childhood trauma.' I took their personality test one day while bumming around Austin; they drew me a chart. Ok...so that's another thing most of us have in common--trauma. We can't all be Bubble Boy. So I have trust and abandonment issues. So I absolutely suck to be with. Great. Better break out the lily binder I got from rehab, work on my dialectical and cognitive behavior skills because emotional retardation doesn't foster compatibility with shit anyone! Not even Tom Cruise. Not even Ron Paul. Maybe THAT'S my devil's threesome. Haha jk

Holy shit. My sense of humor sorely misrepresents my true values. It does however reflect my real actions. That's a catch-22.

I had a toilet thought that inspired me to write this. My expectations for love were founded during childhood. Therefore I feel entitled to a fairy tale in t-shirts and jeans so now when my love life does not reflect that in all the ways, I behave like I did when I felt helpless when I was little. I curl up and cry or I say something I know is not helpful just because I am not getting my way in the moment. I hurl insults and drudge up the past or cite delusional examples of betrayal I've conjured up out of fear of my individual inadequacy.

I want a thing I'm not ready for. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I am simply hoping for it with someone else who is also not ready for it. Two not readies are gonna have a bad time. One is accepting of reality and rolls with the punches but wants to see progressive levels of effort from me while I'm too burned out from worrying to live. Read "Birds on a Wire" by Regina Spektor.

I tried so hard to get with the new new age/ burner church/ down-with-the-sickness/ Woke-ass Messiah/ hipster/ polyamorous/ hot child in the city types to cure myself of my bullshit proclivities and I really learned a lot. I'm just shit at applying it. I haven't thoroughly appreciated everything I've done in recent years. I'm just now slowing down enough to do so.

*exhales* okay...all is not lost. The world is a happening place with all sorts of opportunity and my life isn't over yet.

Radical acceptance is knowing that 'it is what it is' but still participating with maximum effort even though you also know Murphy's Law. Here goes.. I'm back in, guys!

P.S. the original revelation was something like "I need to grow up so my expectations for love can." 28 years is just 18 with a 2 in front of it. 29 can be different. There. "Progress."