Stevi's Storied Life

I've always enjoyed picking at scabs. The grosser looking the better. There were the kids who glued their hands together just to peel it off (maybe in one miraculously unbroken hand shaped piece of something that looks like dead skin) or the ones who pushed safety pins through their fingertips or ran their tongues through lighters to show it doesn't hurt--and any observing person of maturity would tell us to stop it; some of them later overplucked their body hair or tried suspension (not me...not suspension) BUT I still can't leave a wound alone completely. I once asked a nurse why I couldn't just pick my knee scab open instead of her taking blood with a needle. She assured me I wasn't the first to wonder that and explained that the blood from my scab wasn't fresh anymore, that it was important to get it from the veins where it's circulating--and besides, reopening the wound would actually hurt more than that needle and make it take longer to heal, leave an...

Nobody leaves home until we all do nothing together as an entire human populous long enough to see who still wants to argue that our "evil nature" we "can't control" will take over and we start killing each other over vegetables because people are historically fucked up and we saw it happen in multiple films involving the word "Purge." I'll turn the lights back on when the KKKlansmen put their pointy sheet hats on and collectively march into the ocean with weighted shoes on. I trust that's in their budget. Then we will kill anyone who tries to be the new evil head that'll obviously rise up in their place so we can rationalize not openly wanting them dead and pretending grey is our real favorite color. "Free Will" is just a Rush song (no Limbaugh)! If you opt to go to work in defense of liking things that will cease to function if nobody "makes" money for a day, know that people could still blink after they got guillot...

I was in a relationship with a guy I could've married when I started this blog. Sure, it wasn't perfect. He did stuff with my bestie's bestie twelve feet away from where I laid naked in his bed when we first got together. Pretty sure he washed his dick off in the sink. My bestie didn't tell me til I expressed interest in breaking up with him. Her bestie may have fudged the truth. I "shhh just let it happen" knowing I didn't want to live with my parents at the time because I was twenty three. At any rate, I no longer possess a bestie. Or a boyfriend. Especially a live-in one. Unless you count my cat. Which is very sad. What are complete sentences? That was a struggle for me when I started this blog. Forming complete sentences is difficult when you've been intentionally brain damaged. Fuck why? I've regained my ability to think verbally once again without crying in frustration because my head might as well have been "the big empty" at ...

I'm referring to the chakra associated with sexual energy. If I were ever in a position of political power, I would make sex illegal for all people under 18. I'd also make it illegal to profit from sexual activity as a minor (under 21) as in pornography, exotic dancing and prostitution. I realize that it's typical for teens to have sex and arguably "just the way it's always been" but it's still wrong. We should do everything in our power to discourage underage sex. Only then can we fully put a stop to atrocities like sex trafficking and child pornography. Guess what? If you're under 18, you are legally a child. I don't give a rat's ass if your culture or religion thinks you're a man or woman at 12 or even 15. Keep that root square til you're an actual adult. Think of all the problems we could solve if our energies weren't muddled up with all the bullshit wrought by the contradictory shenanigans we're faced with just trying to ...

Screw this. Have I ever told a story here? Are my posts really helpful to anyone who reads this? Am I providing any real insight? What am I trying to prove now? Proofs in geometry were my favorite because they mimic life. Pretend you're the answer. I wanted to enable others to see my process. I needed to practice verbalizing my thoughts. I'd lost my ability to hear myself think. It's a shame that the truth as we individually recall it never fails to hurt someone else who's framed it differently, burnt or buried it for themselves. I'm not being haughty here. I need to say that for every person I've resented in print or cursive, hated aloud or in silence, I've forgiven them first. Now that I have nothing but heartache for failed relationships, I know I need to focus my energy on equilateral respect for myself and appreciate with my words (this is action) all who have contributed, shaped, influenced, pushed, persuaded, poked and/or prodded me into my ch...

I hate that organized racists and bigots have become known as "hate groups." Why? Are they not hateful? Yeah, but they're mainly stupid and evil. The bible instructs us to "hate what is evil." Most of these imbeciles have interpreted that as "hate women and gays and anyone who's not white." Because there were so many white people in the bible. And what's more, they only went to church for their moms, who they especially hate. So I'm taking back hate for good. I hate that the KKK has rebranded themselves as "the alt right." I can't even listen to "alternative" music anymore without cringing wondering if some Klansy youngling is also blasting that Simon and Garfunkel cover by effing Disturbed in his Dodge Charger, fully believing it's new shit. Ew. I want to extend whatever the opposite of an olive branch is to anyone who also wants these fools to drive off a bridge before things get really bad again. My mom has...

Honesty. I've posted things where I expound upon why I hate myself before. Self misrepresentation is a serious issue plaguing people everywhere on the internet and IRL. I want to be considered likeable by everyone I meet (unless I hate them [then I want them to die/don't care what they think) but that only applies if they're pedophiles or something. I want most people to like me. In my advanced age of nearly three decades, I've come to know that that's really true for most of us. I mean most of us don't go around hoping our convictions are off-putting to all we meet. Sometimes I pretend to like or approve of things more than I'm willing to admit though. Reasons for this include not wanting to make other people feel bad for some widely accepted thing, like porn or Cheetos. I won't eat them but more power to ya. I tried porn but I still wish half of it didn't exist (the child and incest stuff for certain...why are the sickos behind this shit not bei...

I just figured out that this blog is really just a face upon which to unload the products of my mental masturbation. Ahhh. My inner mother hates me for saying that. My actual mother would make a face. It was hilarious til I tried to take it further. This is what I'm talking about. Does anyone else get engaged to the connections they make between core concepts explained in differing fields and feel special for knowing that it's all the same but you don't want to talk about it because you can't make up your mind about what's what when it comes to whatever you're drawing parallels with? You don't want to be wrong, crazy or unoriginal OR rob others of the chance to come up with it on their own so they can feel special too? Do you do it anyway in the hopes of cashing in or really helping people realize they're just normal? I think making people feel normal is a more worthy cause than making them feel special. Okay, so that being said, we all have the power...

These things go hand in hand, particularly when it comes to our tone of voice. I hate the way I sound when I'm trying to explain myself, my feelings, my opinions, especially my opinions of others. We can all tell when someone doesn't really like us but doesn't want to be mean...or can we? We're all simultaneously much better and way worse actors than we think but I acknowledge that we would mostly rather not have to put on a show to truly be seen for who we are in this roundabout circus act "shit show" we've become accustomed to thinking of life as. I'm actually kind of a terrible writer. I have these deep thought trains that seem vital to share with others but then I get self conscious and lose the real message. I feel like preachers do that weekly, news shows do it nightly; we do it on dates and rarely feel as if we've truly been heard as a result. It takes work to set another person up to fully understand the context of your thoughts. It's...

https://youtu.be/bhN1KzOVO7Q

    When I actively watch porn, I feel as if I’ve been staring at my own dump for too long. There’s something almost beautiful about it but then I take a whiff and acknowledge the fact that I’m literally admiring feces. Google reveals images I’d like to wash my brain out with soap over. Why are the women all so shrill, the fetishes incest and otherwise perverted, disgusting, and immoral in disturbingly unhot ways? Why are people engaging in creating this shit? Seriously, I want to know. That’s not why I decided to masturbate on camera for money, essentially becoming a virtual prostitute. It’s what I learned by thinking it would be a fun and exciting new way to make money for myself and get over my own alleged and self-acknowledged hang-ups. I had already recorded videos of myself cumming solo to avoid the dreaded internet search and enjoyed getting off on my own smut. Why not share it with others who might be tired of the same old gar...

LOVE ME! Yikes...I'm not a real DJ and apparently that's not always a surefire good thing ANYWAY . I just liked Pirate Radio & I listen to the radio itself whether I like it or not until I remember I have CDs. My ride hasn't a conventional audio input jack. It requires the sort of cord with both red and white connector heads. Haha! You mean connector thingies? Yup. Likely more accurate. Anyways tha t's just my YouTube mix, which is highly indicative *of who I am* as a person, ok? I was going to say something else. I was told by a doctor three years ago that I may have thyroid cancer. I went my v. of Heisenberg. I still need to make a radiology appointment. There's more...I haven't quit smoking 🚬 I'm a fool. I really forgot what I was going to say. Pray for me.

It's no secret that we all end up feeling disillusioned by love at some point in our lives, at many points during our lives. This happens inevitably. We all get hurt. Suck it up. "Life's tough--get a helmet!" Messy bun/ rap song/ DEAL WITH IT. (Bitch you better work). Yada yada. *flips bird* I think this disillusionment for me, personally, romantically speaking at least, comes from a thing the Scientologists refer to as 'childhood trauma.' I took their personality test one day while bumming around Austin; they drew me a chart. Ok...so that's another thing most of us have in common--trauma. We can't all be Bubble Boy. So I have trust and abandonment issues. So I absolutely suck to be with. Great. Better break out the lily binder I got from rehab, work on my dialectical and cognitive behavior skills because emotional retardation doesn't foster compatibility with shit anyone! Not even Tom Cruise. Not even Ron Paul. Maybe THAT'S my devil's ...

You can stop picturing the devout bumping cleanlies on a pile of robes now. I hate human nature when it comes to sex. I hate it because it sets us up for further ruin in a world that will not allow us the freedom to bask in the true pleasure of it as it was intended for us. When we're having sex the rest of the busy, demanding world slips away until one of us remembers. This awareness that we are not all there is is usually signaled by an utterance containing the word "cum" because once it clicks that we've been doing a thing for too long without some almost material reward, we don't see the point in continuing. "You're still horny? Well my dick is soft. Where's the lube? Oh well. Work in the morning. I'll just jack off on the toilet before you wake up." WOW... I love sex. Sure I do. My first few times were pretty messed up but it didn't really feel ruined for me until I started having it on purpose/ on the regular. That's when ...

What are you pushing that button for ? And for WHAT?! https://youtu.be/xsksWR8uTDQ Watch this clip from Lost and focus on the now & what you learned about democratic philosophy in school.  I'd tell you what to think but wouldn't that defeat the purpose of this exercise? All I'm going to say is that this is exactly why I've been leery of holding a job for TOO LONG before finishing school and KNOWING what I'm doing/ doing it on purpose because I want to and it makes sense in accordance with my experiences in the workplace, school and the world at large. Push the buttons you need to to bring home the bacon but don't get so narrow mindedthat you forget what's outside .

👽 -Drinking "monkey's blood" as a toddler -Holding up an entire chest-of-drawers plus TV set when I locked myself in my parents bedroom and pulled out a drawer & the whole thing was going to crush me--I held it all up until my mom hot the door unlocked. -Getting stung by a yellowjacket at age 10 -Being shocked by an electric horse fence at 14 or so -Shigella at 15--it's like the scene in the Santa Clarita diet where DB is barfing everywhere only it's coming out both ends...mostly the rear end. -Various near death traumatic experiences like almost drowning in the ocean, car crashes, knowing too many dark things. Forgive my give-it-all-away title but I just watched the first two Harry Potter movies with my cuzzins and this type of stuff is the stuff that makes and breaks us. These things bring out the magic in us. Like in Deadpool, how the evil doctor uses torture to mutate people. I should add: -Spending over a day in jail -Psychiatric comm...

I hate when people have this attitude like, " I had to walk to school fifteen miles uphill both ways through the snow so YOU should suffer too!" By 'people' I mean over fifty somethings, the gen-Xers and the baby boomers mostly. This is where we see most of this problem occurring and forget analyzing why or psychoanalyzing your Uncle Terry for a second. I've had the unfortunate task of navigating relations with too many aunts and uncles from this decade of bigoted butthurt broke down and thus exponentially more self righteous goons we've got on our hands. In case you're wondering, I'm not telling you because they'll waste more time and spout off negative vibes trying to go there just because it's unfair and they need to demand their rightful discount they lived five or six long decades and some change to deserve. Gen Y has its own issues but I admire them for keeping them under wraps--their ability to adjust and accept all their crotchety pi...

Outside of violating the 10 commandments (which often need to be violated especially in the case of honoring the mother and father because a lot of people have exceedingly unreliable and/or abusive parents)... Children are constantly abused. Yelled at, put down for not knowing better, spanked, beaten and through all the tears when you're the little one there's really little to no difference how that abuse is internalized/experienced depending on the form of the abuse itself. It rears its ugly head in our romantic relationships, friendships, work lives, school lives, sex lives...and how we utilize sex as "therapy" for as little as we understand it. We take it upon ourselves to engage in behaviors we normally wouldn't hoping it'll help us get over something we had no control over. We have sex with other women to get over our want for a man who just isn't there, we have threesomes to prove we're not the jealous type or a closeted lesbian; we do drugs t...

-How small the world is -How alone you can feel in spite of and sometimes exactly because of that -My need for approval Duh. Well adjusted people don't try this hard. I can't get over the fact that I'm on disability for a mental disorder I may not even really have. The reason I want to study psychology is to help others like me through a system they were likely thrown into against their will and best wishes for themselves. I figured I'd end up in a place like that someday. I knew as a teenager who had cried way too much for seemingly no reason or over little things I should've brushed off. I was picked on hard as a kid. I don't mean the other kids were shitty to me, like really nasty, but I was always singled out for something or other. I was advanced but not quite advanced enough for the gifted and talented program, which made me feel bad because I felt left out of their meetings even though I was grouped with all of them. I had to watch them go off like...

This is Theo name short for the masculinized version of Magrathea. I took hwy 42 North. It was dope af. *brushes shoulders off* He lived outside a taco shop where he ate dumpster tacos I guess. If he's your pet I'm sorry. I was trying to get to Roswell, my place of conception. I'm the age my parents were when my mom got knocked up with me...actually should try again next year to be mathematically correct. Anyhow, *aliens* and besides THAT...just a whole lotta broken ol rusty gas stations!

My last needs to be said because I feel like I'm sitting on a throne of lies and general hypocrisy at this point when it comes to my past (leaving out the sordid mental health drama and leaning on the reality of things before all that happened). Jim was my friend on the internet. We chatted every day after school on msn messenger. We traded essays to edit. He writes too. We had a mutual intellectual regard for one another and I think it was mutually puppy love fondness too, at least until my mom insisted I leave my pizza and Degrassi to open the door for my sister's best friend's older brother, Ben. "He's cite, you should go after him," shed said. Truth be told, I'd seen him every day in my history class and I hadn't said a word to him til that night when he shook my hand, looking a thousand times cuter all of a sudden in the doorway. Jim apparently drove to Cypress and found himself a girlfriend named Kristin, who was as pretty as Ben. I couldn'...

This interview I had to say was the best I've ever had. On my way home on 45 S, I saw an upside-down sedan and a mob of flashing lights. There appeared to be no one left in the vehicle from what I could see as my side of the median all hit the brakes hard to avoid mutually assured rear endage. It made me wonder how often we actually get the chills anymore. It was too hot for me today. I was too high from the hope of success to feel true fear or real pity. I usually shiver and think of my mother saying, "God bless those poor people." The way the car looked they must have been suicidal, I thought instead. Or they got hit by a big truck who'd already bounced from the scene. I never took physics. I think we feel collectively guilty for all our reckless driving antics throughout our years and also angry that we can't individually keep it together enough for something as seemingly simple as highway driving to go smoothly for all involved. But I couldn't help thi...

They used to sing the chorus of this song at me because the vice principal called me "Steh-vee" on the announcements for honor roll and it rhymes with "levee".. I have since listened to it closely & far away and I know it by heart and I've sung it with my philosophy professor in front of the whole class because he'd asked if anyone knew it by heart and I did because I am that dork. No. YOU a dork. #pullyapanniesup https://youtu.be/7yHTpGog0IY The song is American Pie by Don McLean. The comments reveal the poster of this particular video used a picture of Dylan from the Jester album because of his motorcycle accident he was on the sidelines in a cast. A comment we also says the King=Elvis where Dylan is the Jester. Cool beans y'all.  Anyways this kid dltd  my comment where I explicated "While Lenin read a book on Marx/The quartet practiced in The park" as an allusion to the four horsemen of the apocalypse in reference to the Cold War. ...

It looks better at night.

& here's a list of drugs I've taken since I can remember my first beer at age 11 in this order: -alcohol -nicotine (shisha, cigs, etc.) -morphine (in hospital for Shigella) -codeine syrup (HC tussive) [Pink Floyd's the wall is scary af] -marijuana (flower, oil w/e) -pristiq -lexapro -vicodin -adderall -xanax -ecstasy tablets -fake bake -cocaine -bath salts -lithium -clonopin -ambien -Molly (mdma) -shrooms -morning glory seeds -xyprexa -haldol -depakote -trileptal -risperidone -stupid vapes -LSD -provigil -weird gas station amphetamines -trazedone -abilify -latuda (too expensive but ideal) -attivan (wish I could get it prescribed ya "lortab" poppers) -that's what weed is for -also just beer now or the occasional drink mostly -and still cigarettes -also "meth-in-a-can" drinks like Monster So yeah... I do what I have to do to stay woke when I need to be and sleep when I should. That's about it. I'm not...

Marriage is kind of the end-all-be-all for me. Yes, I have professional ambitions but at the end of my life I'd just like to know I lived it on purpose with the same one I said "I do" to x number of years ago. I want to be the mother I think children deserve--protective but not foreboding; encouraging and always there. I want to be the wife a man loves forever without a doubt. I need people to take care of but first a man needs to see how much I already care for myself and recognizes the lengths I've gone to as well as be here while I'm finishing school, KNOWING I will succeed. I'm going to be twenty nine in December and I think that's a good age to finish school. I'm ready and it's finally the only thing that makes sense. I'm going to be a Psychology major. I've applied to UHD and I'm also reapplying at Southwestern. "We'll see" isn't good enough anymore. I don't fuck with maybes. It's on. I'm doing thi...